=)

2011-09-09T16:00:00.000+01:00

I miss you but more than that I miss all my college friends.

I miss how college life was, simple and easy.

Okay, that was such bullshit, but let's admit, life then was easier. We were happier with each other.

2011-08-09T16:30:00.001+01:00

stop making sorry sound so cheap

2011-07-28T08:33:00.002+01:00

With even more backlog, thanks to my constant procrastination,

I now have even the Singapore trip to blog about as well as my minor surgery.

This is my secon time watching Becoming Jane,

and I think it is a brilliant movie.

The level of emotions the actors and actresses portray, how James McAvoy and Anne Hathaway look so heartbroken, it is devastatingly beautiful.

and I shall end my blog with this.

2011-06-27T15:53:00.002+01:00

There is so much to update,

but as usual I feel tired, lazy.

The trip to Southwold, Suffolk.

The trip to Manchester.

The trip to Pembroke, Wales.

Now, I am about to go home.

The feeling is mixed, mostly because I have to pack up and I will not be back in this room.

The feeling is mixed, because being in this country I already miss you.

The feeling is mixed, because I do not want to face the reality that we may not be friends anymore.

The feeling is mixed, because I feel hostile.

The feeling is mixed, because I want to go home so bad and I am finally getting to do it.

Sigh.

2011-06-10T19:18:00.004+01:00

I'm sorry

Am I too needy?

Am I scaring you away?

The truth is I need you

I didn't mean to be so needy

Can't you tell, that this smile is slowly fading away

2011-06-09T23:28:00.003+01:00

Just got myself some music CDS,

James Morrison - Undiscovered (£3)

Michael Buble - Crazy Love, Hollywood Edition (£5)

Stereophonics - Decade in the Sun (£5)

Kings of Leon - Because of (£3)

It feels great. I chose not to buy Katy Perry's album that I really wanted because it costs £7 and I was not willing to pay for that.

Dyed my hair light brunette but under the light I cannot see if anything has changed, so I shall wait till morning.

Perhaps a picture later tomorrow, to cheer me up and to bring life to this dead blog.

Pretty bows and lovely colours, you cheer me up without fail.

I really need to stop blogging only when I am upset, I do, have a life after all, despite disappointments and let downs.

As much as I make it sound all gloom and dreary, it is not.

2011-06-08T21:00:00.002+01:00

Sometimes it drives me up the wall that people do not keep to their word.

There is no planning ahead, and words spoken are merely words, not meant to be promises or reliable.

This sucks.

Sometimes, it is hard to have a positive outlook when all you can think of is how much everything sucks.

Tell me, can you hold your head up high and be happy even when your friends keep letting you down?

I cannot.

919 someone stop me please

2011-05-31T11:30:00.002+01:00

Blog wars.

That's what blogs do when they go slightly wrong.

blogging with anger, blogging without thinking,

blogging without care, blogging in complete truth.

Yes, the truth hurts.

It takes a spark to start a fire.

And you are my spark.

I guess everyone is prejudiced, and attempting to explain one's emotions on the blog-sphere is not wise at all.

Why would anyone else be able to relate?

I tend to overthink and take blog posts very personally and treat them like my secret inklings to your thoughts.

Paranoia, that is what I have.

I think and believe that while everyone is entitled to their thoughts and all, somethings need not be expressed on a blog.

Perhaps another outlet like a proper personal one, where others cannot see how immature and childish, or even selfish one is.

Perhaps I set my standards up too high, perhaps I am a nutter, but perhaps I am merely one of the many voices telling you to shut up =)

We are selfish creatures of this world.

Sometimes these selfish thoughts and nature reveal themselves in so horrifying a moment that even others are shocked.

Sometimes, friends fight to strengthen the friendship.

Unhappiness and anger are all thrown out in the pile to be burnt and gotten rid of.

Sometimes, the fighting does not even happen because one realises the futility of it all.

The giving up of a friendship may seem to be easy, and it sure looks easy, but no matter what, the heart dies a little inside.

The amount of time and effort invested, just to realise that this project will never yield any result but continue to suck the life energy out of one.

It is a sad moment, but it happens.

I have long classified you in that category, but you continue to prove me right, again and again.

That, breaks my heart.

I hate losing friends, and you are no exception.

However, in the pursuit of happiness, as well as evolution,

I will leave you behind because you have never put me as part of you list anyway.

Stop pretending to be my friend when all you want is attention.

Get it from the boys, they are so much better at kissing ass.

2011-05-26T10:28:00.002+01:00

Sometimes the feelings of disappointment just refuse to budge.

I just do not seem to understand why people cannot keep to their words.

Is it really that difficult?

Promises, all empty.

Words, all meaningless.

"I'll text you when I'm done"

"Yes, let's go together"

"Yes, let's meet up"

These are the most common ones.

I cannot even remember the others.

If you don't want to, just say so.

If you keep forgetting, maybe you're not putting in the effort.

If you can't be bothered, thankfully neither can I anymore.

Don't give me empty promises and meaningless words, I don't want them.

The truth is actually that you can take those things and shove it up yours.

Thank you.

Anger management, yes, I need that, and you need a brain darling

Here's a song that Devina "gave" to EmEm =) I like it and so I am sharing it.

and this, is my new favourite, over replayed song

a wake up call

2011-05-25T22:53:00.002+01:00

No, I am not really awake.

No, I am not really clear.

In fact, the confusion looms and continues.

I forgot, to check my blog.

In the process, I neglected other peoples' blogs as well.

It seems almost foreign, what that used to be a daily ritual, is now unfamiliar and a little strange.

Yet, once the typing began, it seemed like second nature to blog, to talk to oneself, to engage in a conversation with the cyberworld.

So much has happened, in the short time I stopped blogging,

in the time I haven't updated properly,

in the time that I have left Malaysia.

Yet somethings never change.

Reading your blog and then blaming myself, that has not changed.

Reading your blog and then listening to the songs on repeat, that has not changed.

Reading your blog and then getting mad over your insensitive, selfish comments, that has not changed.

Reading your blog and then getting inspired, that has not changed.

Reading your blog and then wondering what happened, that has not changed.

Reading your blog and then wondering where the time has flown to, that has not changed.

Reading your blog and then missing you, missing us, that has not changed.

Reading your blog and then having a great urge to blog, that has not changed.

Life and its drama.

I'm no drama queen, but even I know you need to tone it down.

True, life does not go the way you want it to, but trust me, even if you did get every moment exactly the way you wanted it, you'd still find something to whine and complain about.

Did you know.. that all this reflects on your personality and your personality is clearly on your face? Well, if you didn't, now you do.

And I wondered why you wore so much make up.

2011-05-02T19:31:00.000+01:00

Spam on my tagboard really pisses me off.

Taking a hiatus as long as I can because it is exam times.

To people reading, I am alright.

Just a bump in the road =)

2011-04-30T01:16:00.002+01:00

You know that life is a bit fucked up when you cry like a baby over "Pride and Prejudice"

Sure, I love the book and the movie, but to feel immensely jealous of a fictional character, is bringing pathetic-ness to a whole new level.

Yes, I have had a bit too much to drink,

but what is it about me..

do I not deserve any love?

I cannot say that I am of inferior birth or anything as such, and hence it must just be me.

A freak show.

That is all I am taken for.

in my pursuit of happiness, I lose more and more of my self-worth.

Right at this point of time, if it is even possible, I have zero respect for myself.

It is not fair, life has never been fair.

but to feel thus thwarted..

I must say, the extent of my naiveness is almost amazing.

Do I feel privileged that I have never been exposed to such horrors?

or do I feel horrified that I have it condensed into less than 5 months.

So silly of me, to give up everything..

So silly indeed.

Yet, I trusted again..

To the very person who held my hand through out my initial loss, my initial insanity, and for him to inflict the exact same pain upon me.

Overwhelming, does not even describe it in the slightest.

I am jealous, well jealous of the happy endings everyone have in bloody fiction novels.

That is not how it happens in real life.

Not for me anyway.

because I am just fucked up

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

2011-04-15T22:48:00.002+01:00

To my dearest friend See Rui Ann,

it is your 19th birthday and lo and behold!

Time really flies!

It almost feels weird to wish you Happy 19th, because when we first met, you were only 13 going on to 14.

I am sorry not to be able to celebrate with you, but it seems like your cluster had a celebration with you at midnight and you got a cute Beaver to accompany you =)

I miss you tremendously and cannot wait to see you in Summer.

You are like the younger sister I never had.

Stay cute, fresh, young and cheerful.

Together, we shall laugh the house down again. =)

别玩得太过份＝P

最后，再次祝你生日快乐！

2011-04-13T17:15:00.002+01:00

We live in a beautiful world.

Yeah, bull.

Take a look around the destructions, take a look around with your eyes wide open.

We live in a very real world where beauty comes at a price.

It is never a good idea to blog when one is upset, but for some people, it is the only time blogging is done.

Listening to a list of The Script's songs including this

while trying to blog.

I feel emotionally drained.

It is as if, putting up a brave face, putting up a strong front, has only served to backfire on me.

People take it for granted, people think I am fine.

I am not, so I shall just take a chill pill and relax.

I want to remember this moment, the moment that I tell myself, it is okay to be sad, it is okay to be insecure.

The most important part is to acknowledge it, embrace it and not hide it.

I need to take my own bloody advice.

9-11

2011-04-05T20:29:00.002+01:00

Post 911, make my heart stop, just like that.

somebody call 911, shorty ... something. I can't remember the lyrics =P

Met up with Hsi Wen yesterday and it was a really catch up,

fond memories and some not so fond of Oldham and of Singapore came up.

We talked about things in general and time flew by.

The £5 deal at My Old Dutch for the pancakes was unbelievable and great! =D

I enjoyed my pancake very much!

It was a brilliant day out today as well as I caught up with James (hereinafter Jaja) and Charlie!

It has been slightly over a week since I last had interaction with an English person, this is the tenth day to be exact) and I have lost my ability to understand the accent almost completely!

This may be aided by the fact that I have been meeting up with various Malaysians, starting with the UKEC fair where I met random Malaysians, Grace, Jo-Erh, Han Sen, Lucas, Ainaa, Endrick and the list goes on..

The day was spent with Ainaa and the week continued with meet ups with Elaine, Brenda and Lucas, then a musical with Elaine, then a lunch with Mira, and yesterday's lunch with Hsi Wen.

My old self came back, and so did my embarrassment and prudishness.

Hence, my quietness the most of today.

I enjoyed myself tremendously to say the least, I have missed these boys.

I have also forgotten how short my legs are and so I kept lagging behind. I shall attempt to remember all these the next time we meet up.

Anyway, the movie that was watched - Source Code

(SPOILER AHEAD)

I enjoyed the movie, partly because of the company, partly because I stopped disliking the main character - Jake Gyllenhaal

He is pretty cute after all.

The movie had an interesting story line and it was slightly bizarre to me initially.

As pointed out by Charlie, it showed the intense fear from American citizens of their government and their "antics".

The story had a nice, cliché ending, just the way we like it, HAPPY.

It was sweet that he got something out of it as well, but it does make you wonder, what is going to happen?

Will he continue being the "teacher"?

Will he continue the lies?

Will he admit it one day, especially to the woman he loves?

But then, movies are meant to be enjoyed and not over-thought, so let us just leave it at that and say

BRAVO to a good movie well done.

not a toy

2011-04-02T22:36:00.002+01:00

But all it took was one call, one text.

It is so hard to stay away, but the last time this happened, I had a whirlwind romance, all in my head.

It was nothing but a game, a game that I relished, enjoyed and lost because I broke the rule, I cared.

I wonder how do boys feel.

I wonder if you blog about it?

I wonder if you talk about it?

I wonder if it affects you?

There is too much that I wonder...

and this is my downfall again, that I think about it, that I care.

Life is such a joke at times =)

We can either laugh about it or be upset that we have been played a fool of.

This incessant thought, claws away at me.

but will I wake up alright tomorrow?

The irony still makes me laugh.

Don't, he's not worth it. but you are doing the same thing.

The exact same thing.

I am not your toy.

London

2011-04-02T14:04:00.003+01:00

I think I should dedicate a blog post to my official second week in Archway!

Since I came in on the 26th March 2011 (saturday) and today is 2nd April 2011 (saturday) it is the official start of my second week in London! I have 24 days until I return to Reading =)

Any of my close friends would know, I love London to bits.

It is a dream come true, to be in London.

Yet, like all dreams, it will come to an end.

Mine ended as soon as I stayed in London for real.

Sure, the city is bustling with life, with noise, with joy!

But within the city are also people struggling to survive, struggling to live within the means.

Even if I do not calculate the amount I spend on musical(s) and other entertainment,

food has cost me £70 thus far and hopefully this will last me for a while. I only need to buy vegetables from now on.

Staying in a rented place alone, is not as fun as people make it out to be.

The need to budget for everything, and take into considerations gas and electricity bills, as well as making sure one does not overuse the electricity for fear of higher bills means that one has to scout out places to be, such as the much loved Public Library!

My first grocery bill came to an astounding total of £30 but the second trip cost me about £20, followed by a £12 and today, a £7.

My standards of Marks and Spencer

have also dropped to Sainsbury's

and then Iceland.

This is how one knows one is poor.

London, this is the place I have always wanted to be.

London, I am too poor to live here.

London, you are a blessing and a curse.

London, we have a love-hate relationship.

To be where I want to be, yet to not be able to do things I have dream of doing is a curse indeed.

Hence, priorities all haywired, I settle for cold meals of sandwiches, baguettes, cold soup and toast, to be able to afford musicals, amusement parks and so on.

My parents, would be horrified, or will they?

"Go out and explore London! This is your opportunity!"

"Stop staying in the room, your electricity bill will be very high!"

"You have put on weight"

"You must wear more layers, you may get pneumonia and die"

I know it is out of concern, but sigh, how do I tell you both that I am a wreck?

I have "squandered" all the money and yet, I am trying to live the "high life" while struggling to exist.

Tomorrow marks the start of a new regime.

Sunday - Archway Library

Monday - EEC, day out with Hsi Wen

Tuesday - Movie outing

Wednesday - EEC

Thursday - Thorpe Park (?)

Friday - day out with Mira(?)

Saturday & Sunday - Archway Library

Followed by 2 more weeks to burn.

I shall have to arrange to meet up with Cheng Feng one of the days and I am supposed to meet up with Prasana.

London, oh London, I want to be a billionaire, so freaking bad.

One day, I will shop in Selfridges

instead of walking around browsing, I will buy what I want and what I need.

I am determined to succeed in life, because I want to be able to afford what I want.

I am determined to get my priorities straight, because this is the way it should be. =)

This, is me.

2011-04-01T00:15:00.001+01:00

Procrastination is a horrible, horrible habit. Yet, by blogging (because I will not blog about whatever I wanted to if I do not do it now), I am putting aside reading my Criminal law notes. =P

I went through a slightly rough patch and it was not PMS, because it was not the day of my period that this happened but rather when I was having my period. No wonder some people say the P stands for pre, present, post. =P That, effectively covers the whole month.

I do not know how I present myself, but these self doubts always amount to guilt and self blame and self unworthiness. Then I am reminded that everyone makes mistakes. Everyone make mistakes to learn from it, failing which the lesson is repeated. I made a silly mistake, and the lesson kept repeating itself. However, instead of learning from the lesson, I made a bigger mistake and the downward spiral started. It was a constant battle, and the alcohol made it easier to deal with. The alcohol made everything better. When the alcohol stopped flowing, the troubles flooded back. This is how some alcoholics start, but not I. =) I had friends to slap me back into reality. I had friends to yank me by my hair. I had friends who hugged me back into reality.

It worked. I am back. The alcohol stopped flowing, and I stopped running. Sure, the flood is here, but it is slowly subsiding, because instead of running from it, I am swimming to shore, to safety, to land. I am hoisting myself up, because if I do not believe in myself, no matter how many people try, I will not be able to help myself. I, hold the key to my self-preservation. I know I will break my parents’ hearts if they saw the state I am in right now.

There is no point in trying to mend one little hole but leave the gaping one. So slowly, but surely, I am stitching myself together. Sure the patches look ugly, but beauty is in the eye of the beholder. What you may think is a taint, may be a battle scar to another person. It is easier said than done, but I want to wear my battle scars with pride.

Again, I understand I am not wise enough, not mature enough to handle things, which is why it is not handed to me, because one is only to deal with what one is able to. That is the way in which the universe works, if one believes in God almighty.

Moving on to more light-hearted matters, I earned my first “allowance” today and money is not easy at all. The worst part is that more than ¾ of the money has gone to my utilities for the month (not shopping, not food, I have to pay for electricity and gas) Imagine my depression of having to grow up and face the cruel realities of the world. I do not want to turn 21, I would like to please stay as a child.

Of course, being the air head that I am, I saved on two meals, helping myself to the food at “work”, I went to watch a musical =P

My sense of direction was tested as I tried to walk to Victoria Station. Needless to say, I failed miserably and ended up in the next station, which was quite a feat to walk to. However, it was all worth it when “Wicked” started. Brilliance is in fact, the word I would use to describe this beautiful play.

The very plot of it was intriguing, followed by excellent singing and performance. Moments like these, not only do I wish I was a better dancer, a more competent singer, I wish I had what it took to be in performing arts because I would love to live a life that was so extravagant, to be able to go to work and be a completely different character, to live in someone else’s shoes.

Yet, I am to read legal documents and essentially, be boring.

I guess everyone have their little dream. =)

2011-03-29T21:24:00.004+01:00

I want to blog, but this is not a good time, so I shall do it later on, while I cough my lungs out.

I need to clean up my act.

and I will.

because no one will clear up my mess, so I will.

thank you

2011-03-26T16:35:00.003Z

Too often, we take most things, if not everything, for granted.

Last night I had really bad cramps and thought I would scoot off to bed early since I was exceedingly uncomfortable on James' chair and not quite knowing what was going on.

So I left and tried to sleep, right before 930pm but ended up panicking about the state of my room and clearing things off the shower and pantry.

I got side-tracked, as expected, and ended up enjoying Irish coffee with James, Amy and Lucy <3

We also ended up saying many things we should not have, would not have and somehow did.

It felt weird to send everyone off, to say goodbye to everyone and to stay behind in the semi-empty hall.

It was also different to see everyone's parents and how different everyone seems to be around their parents.

I realise how many things we take for granted, during my trip to London.

Just the mere fact that we can walk is already something to be thankful for.

Little things in life that are not acknowledged, really should be.

As I lugged my bag around today and tried not to crush anyone (including myself) in the process, I had to constantly remind myself not to moan, whine or complain, because I am lucky that I have a chance to be out here, to be experiencing this, to be taking care of myself.

I cannot say I love the experience, but I will say it was good exposure.

I was very lucky that many people offered help at different junctures and it definitely lightened my load.

So it was not as dramatic as this,

but it did not make me any less grateful to those helpful, friendly strangers =)

Thank you.

So for all the times I have been rude, I am sorry.

For all the times I did not consider helping, I am sorry.

I am thankful for waking up today.

I am thankful for all the nights that I sleep well, and thankful that those which I did not sleep well remind me of how well I usually sleep.

I am thankful for the internet.

I am thankful for family and friends.

I am thankful that I have been reminded to be grateful =)

Anyway, back to the story..

As I foolishly wander around and finally found the house, I settled into my room quickly and did my washing.

Much to my astonishment was the lack of internet in the house.

There is no wireless internet and since no one was around, I was really agitated until I met someone from the 1st floor and heard, for the first time, about "dongles".

Now I know what these USB internet are called =)

When my washing was done, I rushed off to Camden Town and got myself one. Then I went M&S happy (rewarding myself for the "hard day's work").

On my way back, I realised I have missed the time to skype my mummy and was slightly sad but I shall skype her tomorrow, hopefully.

I had a really brief chat with Matt and was on the phone with several people, so I have had my daily dose of interaction.

I, however, have forgotten about my cough and neglected to buy some medication although I walked past superdrug and boots twice each. *shoots self*

I will need some tomorrow, for fear of appearing rude to the people at the fair.

Got a 80% on the GPL online test without even studying =)

I shall aim to get 100% for it =)

Study mode shall have to begin real soon! Boo!

On a slightly happier note,

I had a lovely dinner today (at 5pm) which consisted of baguette and soft cream cheese with garlic herbs, and finished off with grapes =)

This is the life =P

2011-03-24T21:12:00.002Z

As I was stumbling upon websites,

I came across one with many different quotations from Dr Seuss.

This one struck a chord in me.

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”

It is true, but I am too afraid, because I like you a bit too much.

As my head pounds away, I think I owe you an apology, but you owe me...

2011-03-22T22:54:00.002Z

I hate how it is only when I am upset, that I bother to come on my blog.

Then I do not feel like blogging about all the happy things that I had gone through for the week.

At moments like these, the confusion and doubts double.

Thoughts that have been suppressed are all resurfacing.

Some, with a vengeance.

As I cough my way into anger and repression, I wonder why this happens monthly.

To make matters worse, I come to my blog and see the spams on my tagboard.

Fair enough if people do not read, fair enough if people do not bother to write on the tagboard, but to constantly have spams is bringing irritation and agitation to a whole new level.

Just because I do not ask, does not mean I do not want what is owed to me.

Just because I do not complain does not mean I am not affected.

Just because I do not talk about it does not mean I am not hurt.

Just because I let you, does not mean you have to continuously stomp all over me.

You once told me "He does not deserve you as a friend, because he does not treasure you, and he wants you there for his ego but he does not want you for you".

You once said that I was better than to just settle for someone who did not care.

What are you doing right now.

What am I doing right now.

I hate to be so suspicious, but sometimes I feel like no one can be trusted.

Then I feel bad for having such thoughts, and then it just seems to haunt me.

What does one do, when one just want to curl up and cry.

It is just that I actually put in a lot of effort, and you have succeeded in making me feel like an absolute piece of shit.

I must be doing something wrong, because these scenarios keep repeating themselves.

The boy who is closest to me will comfort me, and then end up hurting me the same way the previous one has.

So instead of trying to blame anyone, we come back to the core of the problem.

Me.

me.

and this is why,

I really hate myself.

accomplishment

2011-03-18T22:42:00.003Z

I have finally finished my assessed work assignment and hence I am now allowed to be online!

Still to be done is my two tutorials.

I shall have to complete them after Ainaa's visit.

Life has been a little crazy, a little boring, a little funny, but all these, to be updated when I am free, because right now I am off to say goodbye to Ryan, then to pick Ainaa up =)

2011-03-09T21:49:00.001Z

Christabel needs to get on with work before she is allowed to blog..

2011-03-05T13:22:00.002Z

post 901 and let's talk about shoes!

I got a pair of simple, black heels with a bow at the front.

Oh yes, it is 3.5inches =P

Helped mummy to get the Royal Wedding Coin since she had the other one as well (the parents) as she refers to it.

I shall post a picture when I can =)

Off to work as much as possible but here's a little eye-candy fest

I am a sucker for advertisements and I absolutely love this

today i say

2011-03-03T14:34:00.002Z

Of course I know what is truly wrong.

Instead of fixing it, I try to cover it up by doing everything else.

As they say, it will always come back and haunt until it is fully settled.

What can I say, what can I do, but to try and address the issue at hand, grappling with it.

It feels like juggling and everyone knows I cannot juggle.

Especially when it is not real juggling, but just a metaphor, and one can imagine that it would be like juggling with fire

I am scared, because I feel like I am spiralling down a black hole and no one can help me except myself.

Yet, I feel oddly comfortable here, knowing at least, I have not tried to help myself and failed, because that would mean I am definitely stuck here forever. Now at least, I have not tried to help myself, so there is a glimmer of hope that when I do, I will succeed.

"your quest of perfection will cripple you".

Yes, but perhaps, and how else could it have been, that you played a part in creating me to be who I am.

Is this not true?

I am not blaming you, for I do love myself more than that, but before you keep criticising me, please remember, you played a part.

and as the famous icon once said

2011-02-28T16:29:00.004Z

I really love technology, despite my various blunders with it,

which includes calling people I am complaining about,

texting wrongly and just big blunders in general.

Skyped Ainaa and I am so glad she likes the chocolates =)

Today, I skyped Stephay and then remember about my skype conversation with Jean.

Then I remember skyping May when in Bath with Ainaa. =)

I absolutely love skype and whatsapp. =)

Speaking of which, Mun Wai loooks so cute in my profile picture (as always) =D

I have not been blogging very much but I am glad to be blogging all the same.

Reading other people's blogs after a long break, so that there are updates, can be rather refreshing.

I, personally enjoy it.

Plus, it is more appropriate to read for updates rather than stalk the blog?

I realise I have become a skeptic.

My mummy will be proud of me now, finally.

and here is a video Ainaa shared with me. It's a nice quirky song

just another epic weekend

2011-02-27T16:23:00.004Z

Despite a whole weekend in London, I still tried to procrastinate when I am back in Reading by going on facebook, twitter and all my friends' blogs.

I followed a link and almost read an entire blog filled with compositions but decided to stop and blog instead, telling myself that right after this, I will and I have to start my assignment.

I got to Reading train station an hour before time and had a cup of tea while waiting for my train to London. Lady of leisure? I wish =P

So I did not miss my train and got to Leytonstone in good time, using my GPS/sat nav on the iPhone to help me get to uncle Chin Guan's house.

After lunch, I actually had a good game of jigsaw and just had lots of fun, fell asleep at 830pm and was up by 730 on Saturday morning!

Speaking of which, this is slightly late, but

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MATTHEW CHAN CHUN HIN!

*fingers crossed that I got your name completely right*

You are now 20 *gasp* FINALLY =D

Join the bandwagon and let's have some fun =)

Remember when we all watched Wall-E together?

or when we just hung out in Toa Payoh?

or when we sat around and did nothing?

I remember, because you always make me smile, even when I am so upset.

Thank you Matt for being a great friend and we need to skype =)

xxx

I was supposed to meet Senny at 1130 at Leicester Square but she was late and I was early, making my total waiting time next to the homeless man roughly 1 hour.

Horrors of horrors, my feel still hurt from the standing.

After a Malaysian meal of lunch, we went to Camden Town and I was slightly terrorised by the things there.

Then we had to part ways, with Senny heading to Oxford street and me to Paddington to meet Lucy.

Of course, before we parted ways, we had a game of Fruit Ninja =D, which of course made me stop blogging for 10 minutes for 2 games.

JAMES has me addicted to this game all over again! OMG.

Anyway, had coffee with Lucy and then headed over to Imperial.

I managed to meet Jia Xin, Brenda, Marianne and Seira. =)

It was really cool and at intermission I saw Lik Jin =)

Lucas's performance was EPIC and I really enjoyed the Malaysian night.

I have to admit, it has made me more motivated to promote the Reading's Malaysian night! =D

I am hoping to bring lots of people to enjoy the Malaysianness! =D

OK-lar =D

time to stop blogging and get cracking on work.

signing off.

smashing smashing smashed

2011-02-22T16:01:00.003Z

So with another weekend here, and gone at the blink of an eye,

I attempt to recall and blog about what had happened.

It started with my rushing for the train, not realising I had short-timed myself by quite a lot and hence, missing the train by 3 minutes.

So my £6 ticket was rendered useless and I had to get a new one which cost me £14.

Lesson well learnt? Hell Yeah.

"Why did you miss your train love?"

"because I am a retard who did not learn my lesson when I missed my two trains to and back from coventry and escaped liability from those times"

Arriving at Bath and being amazed at the grand feeling of being back to a city I absolutely adore, I took pictures and you can view them on facebook by clicking here. =)

Meeting up with Ainaa and grabbing a cup of coffee at a little quaint cafe before heading back.

I went a little crazy in The Body Shop while waiting for her, so adding to the list of things I just bought on Thursday, which include

Vitamin C Skin Reviver

and 2 of a new range of completely environmentally friendly body shower gels

(pictures will be up when they are available online-too lazy to take pictures),

hence receiving a Vitamin E Hand & Nail Treatment for free!

This was only Thursday's misdemeanour!

On Friday while waiting for Ainaa, I ended up buying the limited edition make-up sets which include the Mini Brush Kit

Tailored Cheek Tint

Hi-shine Lip Treatment (pink cream)

and getting this little bag to put everything in

and hence, earning a Carbon Eye Definer for free

Yes, I am a sucker at The Body Shop.

SHOOT ME.

Also dropped by Hotel Chocolat to pick up a few things for Ainaa =)

turns out the weekend at Bath included being out both nights, having drinks and being quite out of things. =P

The lads were real sweet and as my friend in Reading would say "less stupid".

And so after drinks and some lary-ness, pictures are all on facebook,

I say hello again to Reading, and goodbye to one of the most awesome weekends. =)

To Eastwood 32, you people definitely rock my socks.

I love you guys to bits and I cannot wait to come back =)

Ainaa,

I love you sweetie. =)

And then, it was back to reality as I came back to Reading.

To my dearest Amy Smith, please get well soon. =)

Met up with the rest of Eastwood 32 back at.... Eastwood 32! =D

It was great to see everyone again, this time without the awkwardness and definitely without me accusing people of being rapists,lesbians or gays.

I was so glad just to see everyone and had a lovely time there.

2011-02-17T10:27:00.002Z

Do you want to know the real reason I am sad?

It is not because I met you, it is not because I was silly, it was not because of anything that had happened,

it is only because I feel all grown up.

I am not saying that there is nothing left to learn or that I am now an adult and do not need people.

I am saying that suddenly, I realise I am at a point of no return.

I realise that nothing will ever be the same.

I realise that the innocence will never come back.

I realise that the friendship, like everything about this, is like time.

Once lost, forever gone.

I cannot even say I am upset, because in all honesty, I am not.

No longer a sobbing mess, or a crying hysteria,

I smile because I accept fate as it is.

I miss Gracia, but I sort of know how she feels (I assume)

To have to put up a brave front, too tired to fight, too tired to retell the story, too much to hide.

But then, I wonder why I bother, because why am I still protecting you?

In protecting you, I hurt myself and are you really worth all that?

There is only one way to find out.

Even in that one way, there will be pleasantries and not so pleasant methods and I hope I can do what I can.

Man is a selfish creature, we devour all that is in our favour and we use all that we can.

Is that why we are also the most powerful creatures in this world?

Is the mind such an evil thing?

In all fairness, either will have to suffer and one cannot survive while the other thrives on.

Each will have to compromise and when that fails, each will have to battle their way out.

To fight or to give in, it would seem easier to take it all in and just sit and endure, and that may be the ultimate achievement, but Man is animalistic after all, and survival is above all the most important factor.

Underestimate the enemy I shall not, underestimate the weakling I shall not, because that is the mistake many make and pay dearly for.

Like any other person, I try to fit in and want to stand out.

Like any other girl, I struggle between self-preservation and being objective.

Yet, things are getting clearer and clearer.

As I see and understand that if the roles were reversed, I know what you would do.

If the roles were reversed, this would not have happened.

But too many IFs and no solution, yet.

It was playing with fire, dancing with the stars, fooling with a foreigner.

It was dangerous, not allowed, and when I got hurt, it was like a burn that overwhelmed, a fall that was doomed to break me, and us?

We always spoke different languages.

We never understood each other.

We never saw things truly from the other perspective.

We were so messed up, because in reality, even in friendship, there was no we.

It was just me, trying.

I see that, I feel that, I hear that.

but...

some things are just not meant to be,

some things just do not match,

some things come and go.

I will tell you this much, I am flattered that you read my blog.

I am flattered you once looked in my direction.

I take pride in being your friend.

Some things are just not meant to be peacefully resolved, and our friendship?

It is like a hurricane. It is like earthquake.

Powerful, full of fury and excitement, but passes after a while.

Not without a heavy heart, but for different reasons,

I love you, but it is time to say goodbye =)

Maybe someday, I will be able to smile at the thought of it all.

Valentines Day 2011

2011-02-14T15:52:00.002Z

Sometimes, it takes falling down to learn how to walk properly.

Other times, it teaches you not to be silly.

So today, I thank you, for making me less afraid to fall, for making me stronger,

for being the reason I am who I am =)

To all my friends, single or in relationship, engaged or married,

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY

May your days be filled with as much love as today and may the love overflow in abundance =D

and no, this is not Singles Awareness Day, it is Singles AWESOMENESS Day! *quotes Z*

and yes, if you did not get pressies, buy yourself some, you definitely deserve them =D

2011-02-13T12:27:00.002Z

Tired of people taking me for granted, but this is all my fault, for allowing it in the first place.

Vulnerability is something that people cannot help but to take advantage of.

Please, stop it.

Decided to blog hop after a long time, and reading your blog, I pray it is not about me but deep down, I know it is.

Who else can it be about?

You were not my prince charming, but you were not the pauper.

You were my good friend and always will be.

It's a few hours to Valentines' and although this year I will not have anyone to celebrate with (as with 20 other Valentines I have gone through), I realise I have myself to celebrate this day with =)

and so,

Happy Valentines all my couple-d friends out there.

May this be a joyous day to celebrate each other's love among others in the year and to all my single babes out there,

celebrate singlehood with yourself =D

Ripped this off NyonNyon

谢谢你，因为现在我真的长大了

Let's talk about February

2011-02-12T20:11:00.004Z

Chinese New Year

Bits and pieces of Chinatown

The Bull Ring @ Birmingham was amazingly big and crowded!

Overall time at University of Warwick, Coventry and Birmingham with Elaine, Brenda, Jia Xin, Kai Yuan, Sam, Cliffy and Jen Wei was great =)

I have missed the Malaysians so much.

Bruises

With more than 8 bruises and skin abrasions on my left arm and about 3 on my right elbow, I have decided to take a picture of my biggest bruise, just behind my right knee, at the calf, and post it up on my blog as a reminder to myself.

I have a total of 4 bruises on my left leg and another 3 on my right leg.

Was it worth it?

HELL YEAH.

La Senza

I got myself plenty of LaSenza products because I am a spoilt little brat and they make me HAPPY

Garnier Fresh Essentials

Using the facial scrub and the moisturiser, I really love the scent and would definitely purchase more of this, but probably the facial wash and not the scrub! (My skin goes slightly red from the scrub) 8/10

Garnier Simply Essentials

The toner is nice and soothing and the make-up remover milk is simply love.

It removes all my make-up without stinging and is my favourite remover now!

MaxFactor

I have the 03 and 04, love them both as they give me different shades of a lovely pink and red =)

More effective than BeneTint on my lips, but can be rather drying. It makes a nice base for my red lipstick!

6/10

I have got the 08 silver storm (far right) and may I say, these are a good buy. They are absolutely easy to use and easy to bring around! =D 8/10.

Meals

This is Timothy's home-cooked meal and next up...
Putu and Aylwin's at Little Bali =D

and so I sent them a picture of my meal (one of my healthier and the only one I had in my phone)

I love whatsapp =D

Chilli

Just got some of this for myself today. It cost £4.70 and is an absolute bomb but many have agreed that this, is some good shit.

Easter bunny

Was at Marks&Spencers (M&S) the other day and these caught my eye!

HELLO EASTER! (and Valentines of course) Are they cute or what? =D

DKNY

I got myself these little sweeties because it was buy one get one free and so it cost me £30 but because I had student discount it was £29.70 for 2 30ml EDP when most other shops were selling 1 for more than £32. Thank you Superdrug! =D

D&G The one

And this, is the next lusted after item.

Will anyone get it for me for Valentines? =P

2011-02-09T19:11:00.002Z

I feel oddly detached to the world, yet looking at my to-do list of work, I feel a slight surge of panic.

16 Feb - 150pm Streetlaw

17 Feb - Essay Outline

24 Feb - Feedback Exercise

24 Feb - Quiz 7

10 Mar - Quiz 8

17 Mar - Quiz 9

24 Mar - Criminal ASSESSED assignment

This seems to be the only time I realise how much I have yet to do.

The numbness does not fade away so I continue to drift along, wondering what will come along next.

Are we to be surrounded by things we pile on ourselves?

I am honestly quite horrified by the amount of things I have, both emotionally and physically.

Time for a detox, but what to chuck out?

There are many things I will have to bring home to Malaysia since I do not use them.

to my girlies, I love you

2011-02-07T14:05:00.002Z

It breaks my heart to see Jean, Steph and I going through this.

In different places, yet in the same position?

In differing sides of the story, but playing the same bloody tune.

In different roles, but in the same leading position.

In different stages, but still... but still.

One is healing, one is trying and one is breaking.

This is how I see it and maybe I am wrong, and I wish so hard that I am wrong...

but I see 3 girls hurting.

I see girls who are worth so much and so precious but putting themselves down.

I see girls who have lost themselves after this blow.

but I choose to also see girls who will pick themselves up and be stronger.

but I see one girl in particular, and know that she will pick herself up, and be the next hercules.

Yet, her Achilles' heel will be her downfall. What was once just a heel, is now an entire foot.

She will hide this weakness so well and go back to being the "little miss sunshine" but deep down knowing that the foot can never be exposed because the last time she trusted someone with a little bit of her heel, he managed to disintegrate what she had struggled to build up.

Obviously, a weakness will always be a weakness.

So sweeping everything under the rug, and painting on war paint on her face daily,

she puts a ribbon in her hair and is ready to face the world.

One more day.

Uni of Warwick CNY

2011-02-06T20:47:00.002Z

Just back from my weekend at Warwick Uni and it was such an epic "adventure", starting with a missed train and ending with a missed train!

It was wonderful to see everyone again and I really appreciated all the Malaysianness I was exposed to. =D

To Elaine Tee, Kai Yuan, Jia Xin, and Brenda, thank you for having us over =D

and as for Sam, Jen Wei, Cliffy, it was AWESOME to go visiting together =D

Shall edit this post and elaborate about the trip tomorrow =)

888

2011-02-04T11:59:00.002Z

post 888, is this the post of good luck and prosperity?

First off,

Happy Chinese New Year everyone!

I hope that all the red packets collected (plentiful of it hopefully) are put to good use! =D

This, is the year of the rabbit so here is a little something to share with all of you

RABBITS GALORE

=D I love rabbits now!

So this is the year that KC turns 24, while I turn 21 and Matt turns 20.

Time really does fly.

But enough on CNY, I will have more to update when I am back from a proper CNY celebration in Warwick, as for now, let's have updates from the past few days!

I did not get to say goodbye to Marcel or Yannic, due to timing and ... lack of luck?

But with facebook, goodbyes are not as horrendous as they used to be.

Went to town and got some stuff for Warwick as well as for myself (as expected) and news update of the day?

I got bird-pooed on. =P

It is supposed to mean good luck and I sincerely believe it is to appease those who have been SHAT on. =P

I took it rather good-naturedly and had a good laugh about it, as did George, who was the sole witness!

I got myself a couple of things, including this little baby right here!

Following that was dinner and gym!

Said my goodbyes to Denny and David and had a skype session before I went off to bed.

Stefan came into the room and was a drunken little boy. =P

I love Stefan immensely, that crazy boy.

Today started off with me waking up in time for gym, but skiving off.

Every body part that can hurt, hurts.

Last night's gym session was beyond tough at the weights section, with me struggling and probably sounding like I was in labour.

So I gave myself a time-out today since we will be swimming in Warwick!

Had a late breakfast and will start packing and getting ready for me weekend away soon.

I will also be buying my ticket from Reading to Bath as soon as Ainaa confirms, which she has before I posted this blog, so I will be off to Bath on the 18th

Lucy was talking about a London Fashion Week? =P

If I go for that, I will not be able to head to Paris for the weekend to come after.

Tired, and need to do work, shall return to blogging when I return from Warwick

denn du bist so genial

2011-02-02T23:36:00.003Z

I will be honest that I cannot remember how we met, we just did.

You lived down the other corridor but we were all on the same floor so it was bound to happen sometime.

Memories? Plentiful to be honest.

I remember going out and having a blast with each of you and so here is a little dedication to each of you special guys.

Marcel,

because your name is "special" as David has reminded us all tonight, you get to go first.

It was amazing getting to know you. Not only was I in complete awe of your guitar skills, you never fail to entertain us with your ukelele as well, plus all the random singing. =)

I remember when you kept me warm on Halloween outside Sakura, thank you =) It was very sweet of you. I remember you being the first guy to carry me since I was ...10? I remember us having a blast in union so many times and the birthday dinner with Lucy at Yo! sushi.

Thank you for coming to my birthday and making me feel special =D

David,

I did not get to know you as well as the others, because I always thought you were a bit shy and I was also kind of shy. It was cool having you around, and nights out were always brilliant =D

I hope you had an amazing time at Reading and do not forget us, for we shall always remember all of you. =)

Denny,

haha, first of all, thank you for the lovely jacket! Unfortunately, I did not get to keep it =P Haha, you and your snake-bites, I hope they have plenty of that where you next go for your placement. I always remember you as the one with the nice smile, because you have one of the brightest smile among everyone I know here in England!

Yannic,

Oh Yannic, I have been really out-of-orderly drunk in front of you before, and for that I apologise =P Then again, I have done it to the others as well =P

You, are so much fun on nights out. I did not get to go out as much with you, but each time you were around, the night was definitely fantastic. Thank you for coming to my birthday as well! =D

I thought we would have a proper send off for all of you on the last days of the Summer Term. I remember talking to George about hating next term, because it shall be the last term together, then finding out that things have changed, plans have changed.

I will never be able to express how upset I am, because I feel that it is unfair for me to feel so upset, because you are the ones who have to uproot yourselves and deal with all the changes.

So, with a really brave smile each time I meet you all, and I wonder how many more encounters I will have, I hope that you had a blast in union tonight, and that you will remember Reading fondly, because the Windsor Hall Floor 1 people will remember you guys well, and remember your fun.

Please come back and visit us, anytime when we are still in Reading. I am sure the others will be as glad as I am to offer a bed and a place to stay and a night out! =D

If any of you travel to South-East Asia, be sure to come to Malaysia, where I will be more than happy to take you around =)

Until then, I wish all of you the best and to have a safe journey and all the well wishes =)

You will all be badly missed xx

the day after

2011-02-02T22:34:00.002Z

I will be doing two posts tonight, with the first being the usual updates =)

Life has not been too kind, but it has been downright FUN =D

Out to Sakura last night but pre-lashed properly beforehand and I was smashed out of my face before I even went out, so all I spent was taxi money and ticket money, which amounted to 5pounds on myself and paying 1.50 for mike.

I did not have to buy any drinks because I was just a little too happy.

It was a rather eventful night and I met many people!

So the day continues and life goes on.

Today, I woke up feeling like crap because I was woken up at 830 by a woman who walked in on Lucy.. =.=

Since I was up I went for breakfast with Amy and then skyped my family.

I now have official green light to go home for Summer! =D

Booking my ticket really really soon =)

I had French and it was a complete disaster (wednesdays usually are). I was completely lost, had no idea what was going on, attempted to not look too stupid and then had a little bit of dinner and went to gym.

After almost 2 weeks of gymming, I thought that nothing could be too bad, but this, I was wrong. I was nearly in tears when I was on the AMT machine, and then I double checked, and Oh my goodness, I was 2 minutes into my 15 minute session.

Needless to say I had to bite my lip and SUCK IT IN and when I was done with that, I went to one of my favourites, the Rowing Machine!

The blisters on my hands are growing and I need to do something about it but for now, gloves are out of the question because that would mean an extra thing to carry and lug about. =(

So hand creams before bed since I do not want it all over the macbook.

The weights were a complete bitch and I was really upset with myself that everything just burnt, cramped and hurt.

The first sets are always alright, and the second tough, but the third? A complete, complete douchebag.

I do admit to cheating though... because I was confused by one of the machines and felt really stupid so I just got off it.

I did the rest as expected and now, I am DEAD tired and about to go off to bed.

I promise to read a little on French before I do, so I shall, and I need to blog for 4 friends for their farewell. It saddens me, but it will have to be done.

good times

2011-02-01T19:21:00.003Z

So much to blog about and I am already backlogged about what I promised to blog about..

SPOILERS - to - be.

Post 885, this is a much better number.

So why am I so weird about what number the post is?

This is because I have an OCD (discovered by Grace and Stanley) and I only like numbers which are even or are multiples of 5.

An example of this between 0-20 would be that numbers 0, 2, 4, 5, 6, 8, 10, 12, 14, 15, 16, 18, 20 are acceptable.

HOWEVER, I do not like 4 and 6 because multiples of 5 are superior to even numbers, so the new list is now 0, 2, 5, 8, 10, 12, 15, 18, 20.

Yes, my tv volume has to be as such or I get really really agitated. The same goes for laptop volume and even the number on the treadmill (not just minutes, calories as well).

Yes, I have an OCD, and I embrace it.

So today I had my gym programme sorted out and boy, it is some scary shit.

So to all you poor readers out there, are you ready for the truth?

I take this opportunity to lavish you with details, so that I can refer back to it, and also as a method of embracing myself and who I am.

Yes, I have put on weight.

Yes, I am trying to be fit.

Yes, I am procrastinating but here goes:

weight : 62.7kg

fat : 31.8%

water : 50.7%

muscle : 40.6kg

metabolic age : 28

Okay, first things first, apparently my weight is entirely fine for my height of 166cm. My trainer is not the slightest bit concerned (as compared to trainer from FitnessFirst Malaysia who basically blanched at my weight and went :"you need to lose 10kg")

However, it would be better if my fat percentage is about 27% and I am quite dehydrated and need to get my water levels up to 58%.

As for my metabolic age, it is not worrying but I, personally am horrified.

Following this analysis, I went upstairs for a warm-up, all the time talking to Stanley, who was being really nice and then I did some stretches.

The regime that I have been allocated includes....

Treadmill-15minutes-fat burn programme Level 4

AMT (Adaptive Motion Trainer) -15minutes-interval training at level 7 and level 12.

Rowing-10minutes-Resistance 7 OR cycling-10minutes-Resistance 9-RPM(rate per minute 70+)

Leg press machine - 3x10 of 53kg (3sets of 10)

Leg curl machine - 3x10 of 30kg

Leg extension - 3x10 of 10kg

Gluteus machine - 2x10 of 20kg

Abductor - 3x10 of 40kg

Abductor - 3x10 of 35kg

Lat pull down (cables) 1x15 of 40kg

Shoulder Press 1x15 pf 15kg

Plank - 2x15 of 20seconds

Medicine Ball Rotation - 3x15 of 2kg

Crunches with medicine ball and AbMat - 3x15 of 2kg

First off, I am very flattered by her belief in me.

Second of all, I am completely mortified I will kill myself doing this 3 times a week.

I will admit that I am excited and cannot wait to test it out, but at the same time I am terrified that I will do it wrongly or look REALLY stupid in front of the group.

Did I mention that there are virtually no girls at the weights section? It is literally a "boys zone"

That was the main event at gym but I saw jack and james, talked to Stanley as mentioned and had a slight catch up with Nicholas! =D It was cool to meet so many people while at gym.

I met Amy halfway across the field, waved at Ryan and saw Tom on the treadmill. =)

So coming back feeling completely knackered out and ready to sleep, I managed to go online, and finally took a shower. However, I forgot to lock the door as usual but today I was punished and Claire was scarred for life. =P

Yes, you guessed it, she walked in on me when I was BUCK NAKED.

Oh well, I guess I should be thankful that it was not a boy, things would have still been funny, but much more awkward.

This reminds me of the time my bikini went out of place in Sunway Lagoon, it also reminds me of the time Anisha's went out of place completely.

Bikinis = hazardous, but oh so comfortable.

Well that is it for now, skyping Ainaa dearest and I shall be off to sakura tonight!

2011-01-31T20:59:00.001Z

post 884, I do not like this number.

Every body part aches.

London

2011-01-31T08:28:00.005Z

Much has passed since I last blog, even though it was only a few days.

Friday was a mess since I woke up late (typical =.=) and missed my lecture, taking longer than I expected since I was late, and left in a slightly mad rush to get a train to London.

Had Malaysian food for lunch and was stuffed to the maximum but that was when things started being wonky.

My diarrhoea was worsened and now a full blown case.

However, I still had a blast with the children, who are adorable as always.

I am still very impressed by the levels of energy they display, and the parents in keeping up!

I had Friday night to relax and finally watched "Princess and the Frog" which I enjoyed immensely although there are a few points I ponder upon.

Following that, I had motion sickness (yes, I know) when we were travelling to Central London - Chinatown., only to discover protests that had the roads shut and what not. So, it was back home for us all, with me looking rather pale by now.

Oh, did I mention I got my period as well? So this is not double kill, it is literally the awesome threesome.

I just wanted to faint and die.

After resting and making a trip to Boots with my iPhone as GPS/satellite navigation, I got the necessary medications and some extras.

Next up was Tangled 3D with the family and boy, I love that movie!

Once again, I shall blog about it at the end of the post, along side my thoughts about Princess and the Frog. At the end of the long night, I was knackered and rested quite early.

However, things were not to be as smooth flowing as I had hoped.

Sunday started bright and early with a nice long shower, followed by church =)

Was rather inspired and had good chats with the adults.

Got lost looking for St James Park using the iPhone and discovered it was shut when I reached and received directions to head to Victoria Station, which I, of course, got lost again even with the iPhone.

Of course, finally I was safely back in Reading after a "tour" around London.

I had plans to go to Boots but ended up lost and found Sainsburys.

Guess who had her grocery shopping done and hiked back to Windsor Hall? =P

After that awfully long day, I went out to Bella Italia to celebrate Mike's birthday! =D

It was a lovely place and Mike,

HAPPY belated BIRTHDAY! =D

Thank you for always looking after me when I am pissed (when you are there)

you are a lovely lovely boy and I love you bambi! =D

Here is a picture of the dessert I shared with Jaja after having an awesome Risotto meal =)

It's called THE GODFATHER

Although there was a slight tiff with certain people, all was well =)

The night ended with fudge pieces, tia maria (After a glass of rose wine) and me texting drunkenly.

This is why I should have ZERO contacts.

Somehow I managed to wake up at 7 today and head to class in time after a nice long shower =)

Of course, I hit the gym, but standing on the bloody weighing scale, I feel like murdering myself.

I am almost overweight.

How is this possible while being able to fit in a size S?

I know I am obsessed but can I help it?

No, because this is one of the few things in life I can have absolute control of.

set me free

2011-01-27T11:49:00.004Z

I have not felt so tired in a long time.

So after much debate with myself I have decided not to hit the gym

I am having a time out from today until Sunday.

It is a long break.

I took a 2 hour nap and forgot all about my washing, so that will have to happen when I am back on Sunday =(

It cannot be a good thing to leave it until then because now my to-do list has increased!

washing/laundry

sending off the Germans

~~tort tutorial~~

~~french homework~~

Eramus student meet-up

gym programme

The last two will be done on Tuesday when I have a really hectic day, starting at 9am all the way until 1pm, all on law (boring) lectures and then an hour with the French students, which means I will end at 2pm. At 330pm I have to be at the gym and hence I might have to settle for a packed lunch that day =(

The whole week will be quite rushed and all these madness, has not included nights out!

Where has all the time flown to?

I am on my way to recovery, I have got so many people behind me I am suddenly amazed at how blind I have been.

A bit shout out of Thank you to all of you, you know who you are (I hope).

I appreciate the concern, I appreciate the efforts, I appreciate letting me be, I appreciate trying to get me out, I appreciate letting me be down and moody, I appreciate the talks, I appreciate the tea, I appreciate the confidence boosters.

THANK YOU =)

I still get the occasional itch, the occasional twitch, but apart from that, I see myself much better, with other things to do, to occupy my mind.

Sure, I still blog about it, I still tweet about things, but that is how I am. I am very in touch with my emotions. =)

but talking today, was healing in itself, surprisingly.

I knew I had to do it one day, I knew it was not possible to just shut you out forever, but I never thought it would evoke feelings of liberation.

One thing that has never ceased to amaze me is the fact that whenever I think that I am a confused soul, you managed to prove to me that you are even more so!

This picture reminds me of me and it reminds me of you as well.

I think I know what I want, but people change.

I would actually say I think that you are the same.

Do you deny it?

I now realise what I did wrong, and why the whole thing was just so messed up.

Am I back to square one? No no. =)

I have moved on from it, but not with a vengeance, more with a casual laugh =)

You want fun, I am all up for it.

You are not up for it, I will find another playmate =)

This is as simple as ABC and I am excited that I am finally in this zen zone!

Something that I do not understand about boys..

Why go for another when you have one.

Why get all upset when you lose either or both when you decided to take the risk.

Why put anyone through that sort of emotional turmoil?

Why act upset when you clearly were not if not you would not have done it?

Why only look at a girl when she has another guy in her life?

Why all the ego, pride and competitiveness?

If you cannot protect what is yours, what makes you think that when you get another, you can protect that?

You think girls are complicated, I swear we are not. It always boils down to the same things, but with boys, nothing seems to affect them. Sometimes I would swear on my life that they do not have a brain.

It would seem that I am bias, but of course I am. =P

I am a girl after all.

I enjoy your company, but it stays there.

I enjoy your companionship, but it stays there as well.

I don't need all this right now, I just want to enjoy university and be free. =P

because I have finally been set free

not by he, but by me.

gym

2011-01-26T14:37:00.001Z

Got something quite funny off Cat's facebook, so here it is

There are the normal ( . )( . ), the silicone ( + )( + ), the perfect (o)(o), the perky (*)(*). Some are cold (^)(^) and some belong to grandmothers \./\./ And let’s not forget the very large (o Y o), the very small (.)(.) and the asymmetrical (•)(.) We love them all! Post this message on your wall and say ┌П┐(◉_◉)┌П┐ to breast cancer.... ♥

I find it really amusing.

Today started badly, with me waking up at 1030 and preparing myself to go to class at 11, thinking that I will meet Lyndsey at a quarter to, and somehow my brain thinks that it is 1145, instead of 1045, so I took my time and at 11, checked my phone and realised the gravity of the situation.

Never again am I allow to switch my alarm off and snooze a little longer.

So the class was missed and I felt horrendously stupid for not knowing how to read time.

Time passed as usual, not waiting for anyone or anything and soon enough, it was time for French!

I had a good class and proceeded to laugh at everything I did not know, being all silly and giggly.

Had a quick dinner and for one of the few times, I did not clean my plate.

Hit the gym with Amy at 8 and finished at about 950, meaning I have upped my time for less than 1 hour, to 1 and half hours yesterday, to almost 2 hours today!

Needless to say everything burns and aches, but I love it.

What I do not love is my lack of self-discipline.

I gorged my way through when I got back and is now completely guilt-ridden.

I don't understand the bloody tagboard.

People who actually like MW cannot comment, but random idiots have been spamming it.

I want to just remove it, but then there will be a blank, sigh.

SHOOT ME.

But a skype call from Ainaa and a slight shocker from Ryan and I am wide awake.

GREAT. Guess who will be feeling like shit at class tomorrow?

Damn.. what have things come down to?

brand new day

2011-01-25T16:06:00.003Z

to Mr Blue-eyes,

HAPPY 20th Birthday Lam Mun Wai! You are finally on the Big Two-O bandwagon and we welcome you aboard with open arms! =D

Thank you for being such a great friend. I know we have had our scary "I am so pissed at you" moments but you were a great friend and still are. =)

You make me smile and laugh at the darnest of times and I love you for being my awesome friend.

Have a good year ahead, and never say never (to alcohol especially) x

to Chris Bailey,

Happy Birthday! =D

It is amazing how many birthdays we have consecutively, and here's to having a blast at union! =D x

Hit the gym at 8pm after waiting around a bit and got a good old work out.

Sure, I only ran for a shameful 10 minutes, but I managed to clock in 20 minutes at the cross trainer, did stretches and sit ups, clocked in 10 minutes on the bike, and 10 minutes on the arm thing.

Finished off the gym session with rowing.

Bloody hell, I feel awesome! No amount of alcohol ever makes me feel this great about myself =P

Plus, as a bonus, the guy stretching with me was not being very discreet. =P

I guess it is a major ego booster to know that one does not look too terrible in gym attire and can still touch one's toes =D

So if I was to be completely honest right now,

hell yeah I feel great.

and then fast forward the time,

I had a mouthful of vodka jelly and is now ploughing through cheese sandwiches, crisps, cheese twists and easter eggie chocolates.

Fast forward one week :

I hope you will still love me.

Oh wait, you never did.

birthdays galore

2011-01-24T14:22:00.004Z

This is bad, because I have not blogged in a while, I will have to combine all wishes to be fair..

First off,

HAPPY belated 21st BIRTHDAY Lucy Lombardo! =D

I know we did not get wasted and all that, but I hope you had a good time at Yo!sushi and union after that! =D

I personally had a great time and the chocolate cake was just the perfect way to wrap it up!

Here's to adulthood! x

Today, I would like to shout out to Amy Smith

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DARLING!

You are such a gem in my life and I cannot be happier to be your housemate next year!

*squeals in excitement*

I hope you have a great year ahead! x

Taken a break from blogging because of the things that were keeping me occupied.

I must say the weekend was lovely =)

Spending time with Lucy, Katie, George and Marcel.

Here comes the bad news:

The Germans are leaving soon!

Instead of leaving at the end of next term, which is the end of the academic year,

they will be leaving in these few weeks because their help is no longer needed.

I may not be their closest friend or whatever, but I still feel sad that they will no longer be around.

I enjoyed their company very much.

At least I now have people to visit in Germany! =P

Here's something I somewhat relate to,

but I promise I am not a bisexual.

To be completely honest, I envy those who are. =P

I am bingeing so much in chocolate and stuffing my face with it, but thankfully I am torturing myself at the gym as well.

but this, I relate to completely.

It is just that, I have come this far, and it is no longer a choice to fall or not. I have fallen.

Fallen through the cracks.

You did not catch me, because you did not believe in us, like I did.

This song, reminds me of the nightmare I had two nights ago,

when I decided to jump, and asked you to please catch me.

You frowned at me, but I jumped anyway, and you did not catch me.

You tried to pull me out of the way, out of harm's way, but somehow, you did not do it in time.

Maybe I was too heavy, maybe you were not strong enough,

but I was not completely out of the truck's way, and when the truck went over my legs,

I felt the pain, so real so alarmingly real.

You saw my face and I saw yours.

You saw me in pain, but you could not do anything but to be sad.

Like the chain of events, it feels like I have lost everything, in taking a leap of faith, paying dearly for it.

I cannot say I regret anything because what has passed has passed, and I can honestly say that even if I did regret, I do not know what regret truly feels like.

I have chosen to try and never regret any decision and choice.

I can say I do not regret it, but it does feel scary, where it has left us.

Is this what we wanted? Is this what either of us wanted?

"Just do not get suck back into it" =)

but to be completely honest,

I know and understand this is not going anywhere.

I am picking up the pieces of what is left and rebuilding myself.

I see myself in a similar yet different manner.

It makes me appreciate myself more, and understand myself that little bit more.

Part of me is sad that things will not be the same, but part of me thinks that we both need to grow up.

It is too late for us, if it was to happen, it would have. Now the time has passed, and I am left to pick up what is left, and you are left with nothing there, but you don't care.

You never did. Our biggest problem was that we both love you too much. It was not balanced, it was not normal, if I love you and you love you, who is left to love me?

But now the lesson is learnt, I touched and I was burnt.

I no longer need to ignore you, because to be honest, who are we kidding?

You are a part of my life, so ingrained, so intimately woven in,

in trying to shut you out, I only serve to scrutinise the seams and try to find out where they start and begin, so as to cut it out and try to sew the rest back together.

No, I will let you remain, as part of a thread to the masterpiece, where your existence is important, but just as important as any one, and not to be confused or scrutinised at, you will simply fade into the background, where you rightfully belong.

You are wrong, it is not about you. It is about me.

It is about me finally realising that you really are not good for me.

It is about me finally realising that all these mistakes will help me learn.

It is about me, learning to deal with issues.

It is about me, growing up.

It is about me, removing these toxic wastes.

It is about me, clearing up issues with you and finally letting go.

because you and I were never meant to be, we were not made for each other, we were bad with each other, and you were not good enough for me. it's not the other way around

Don't say "I love you" when you don't.

Don't say "I care" when you don't.

Don't pretend to cry when I cry, because those crocodile tears will get you no where.

I've given you all I've got, but I've paid for your services in full as well.

That is all you are, really.

It hurts me to say it, it pains me to say it, but the truth hurts.

Face it,

we are so much better off in ignorant bliss.

878

2011-01-21T13:18:00.002Z

878, this is a nice even number =)

Since I did not do anything too productive today,

I have decided to apply for jobs online. I might also do walk-ins and check, although I am rather terrified of that prospect.

With that out of the way, I feel better.

Had a nice breezy walk to foxhill house and handed in the work.

The medical appointment was real quick and because I arrived 20 minutes before hand, by my appointment time, I was back in university, on my way to my room! =)

It does pay to be early after all.

Reading articles online and taking far too long a break from my work

(do I hear procrastination?)

I am constantly baffled as to how people write about eating healthier at fast food joints.

First off, it should be rather common sense to ask for less oil and more veggies.

Secondly, do not take fast food if you are trying to be healthy!

There are other takeaway available such as sandwiches and all that.

You do not need to red about "swapping your soda for unsweetened ice tea" because deep down, you know this already! Why should you need to be told?

I printed some photos out last night and now they are on my wall, so that my wall is less empty =)

Up along with my photos is the gym group exercise schedule =P

Things to do for the weekend:

Criminal tutorial

Pilates

Barbell conditioning

Spin classes

Nando's

I think it is a good balance of things to do, with academic work, gym torture =P and a meal to treat (not myself, but James).

Plus, it is almost Lucy's birthday! Following that will be Amy's! =D

The week will pass by swiftly because following those two birthdays will be Chris Bailey's birthday and then for the weekend I shall be escaping to London!

Following that would be tutorials early on Monday morning, then life resumes with classes and gym sessions before I head off to Warwick for the weekend!

I foresee the first 3 weeks of term 2 flying by and as usual, before we know it, it will be stressful and then it will be goodbyes once more.

I feel rather bad after having an intense session of ranting with George.

Thanks for being there for me.I feel like an emotional wreck

Resolution of drinking less alcohol seems to be going rather well so far, and drinking more water has been going well as well.

The only thing is that I need to cut down on food, and up gym times.

Also to figure out what is wrong with my skin.

I am doing all I can to say on top, hoping my spirits will catch up soon.

As of today, my most resolution is to love myself more. =)

shed it

2011-01-20T16:39:00.002Z

It is almost tempting to go back to the gym and punish myself some more, because punishment though it may feel, that sense of accomplishment and achievement is so rewarding.

Breakdown of expenditure recently.

2 weeks holiday = £305

First monday back in University = £200

OMG..

Today was not a very good day but gym was good, as mentioned above.

However the adrenaline is wearing off and I am feeling tired.

Before I sleep I promise to do some french.

Already planning for Saturday and Sunday gym workouts, I shall give myself a break tomorrow even though I am itching to go!

I need to start doing tutorials as well.

Of course, not to forget my medical appointment tomorrow! I hope they have the flu vaccine!

emotions

2011-01-19T19:41:00.002Z

Girls are always blogging about how upset they feel.

Is it because we are so easily hurt or are we just more in touch with our emotions?

已经非常久没用中文写博格了，其实有点不自在，但是也蛮有回味的。

虽然中文现在已退步到丢人的地步，但是我还是觉得明白这语言，还真不简单！

我，做事很狠，很绝。

不过，心里是很怀念。

他说，为了我自己，我应开。

她说，她尽力的不喜欢你，但是她还是觉得你满好玩的。她也觉得他这么说，是因为他虽然有个女朋友，但还是有点喜欢我。

我呢？我很累了。

I don't need an excuse to be promiscuous.

Sagittarians are ardent, sincere and straightforward in love, normally conventional and in control of their sexual natures. Yet if thwarted, they may easily allow their failure to embitter their whole lives or they may revenge themselves upon the opposite sex by becoming cynically promiscuous.

Really, I don't.

haha, but I hope I don't do it just as revenge, even though deep down I know I will.I miss you.

Set me free

2011-01-18T15:53:00.002Z

I have a friend, who does not really know what is going on..

but then again, hardly anyone does.

but this song, was dedicated to me, and for me.

because even when all seems wrong, I know it will all be okay.

What takes me a week to build up, takes you 5 minutes to destroy.

But what you did not know is that it just makes my building time less each time, and better quality walls each time.

And this time, I built a wall so magnificent, even I am impressed, because it is not just my work in it.

I have got my friends helping me, I have got a new found strength, and I have got faith in myself that not even you can try to take away.

This wall, is not made with hate, nor is it made to keep myself in any longer.

This time, there is no wall.

There is just me, set free by myself.

baby steps

2011-01-18T02:19:00.002Z

I know these are but baby steps,

stepping stones to helping me achieve what I want,

but it feels like a giant leap of faith.

But for once, it feels right, that even though it is scary, even though I do not know what to do or expect, even though I have to take one day at a time,

This is right, and no one can take that away from me.

because sometimes the only way to know the right road, is to get off track, stumble about and appreciate the road once you get back on it.

Yesterday once more

2011-01-16T12:19:00.001Z

I find myself reflecting while in the train with nothing to do and with no one seated near me.

I must admit that the privacy is one which I am rather used to by now, having spent quite a bit of time on my own since I was relatively young.

Perhaps this is the reason that I do not understand when my parents breathe down my neck, having been away from home and having the freedom all the while and suddenly having their undivided attention again, terrifies me.

So as I listen to “saved by the bell” by The Bee Gees and blogging on Microsoft Word on my way back to Reading, I find myself immensely disturbed.

Disturbed emotionally, that is.

There are many things that I have promised myself and not stuck to or stuck with, but one thing I have tried, tried and tried. I told myself that I am not going to hold back but I will let myself go.

I shall relax and try to learn to go with the flow.

At the very least I could try to stop being so afraid but to just learn to love without inhibition.

This I learnt to do, I can confidently say.

What I did not realise is that sometimes there is such a thing as protecting thyself from harm.

Fear is just a way to protect oneself from hurt and pain.

Ignorance of fear may just create more fear and anxiety later.

So as I stand (or sit) here right now, I want to be able to achieve a balance between trusting my instincts and in loving all, myself included.

Don’t tell me you liked me.

Don’t tell me you care.

Don’t tell me all this and make my days.

Don’t tell me about other girls.

Don’t make me smile, just to wipe it off and replace it with tears.

Don’t tell me I’m amazing even when I’m at my most vulnerable, and making me feel vulnerable all the time.

Don’t build me up, just to tear me down again and again.

So you think that by telling me not to fall for you, I can just control my feelings.

So you think that by telling me it felt wrong, I would feel that it was right of you.

So you think that by telling me all your faults that I would stop liking you.

So you think that emotions are so easily manipulated.

It appears to me that you do not know me very well.

Maybe I made foolish choices, maybe I made foolish mistakes,

but each decision I make, I made it with you in mind, wondering how it will affect you or me.

Each decision I make, I wonder if you will mind or that it will take you off my mind.

Perhaps you do not appreciate this, but it is hard to be selfless and I have tried my best.

You and I both know I care too much about you, and hence, the disaster, when you see me as a friend.

I thought I was better than this, that I had my heart guarded with fences, walls and locks.

It took one night of tears and all of it crumbled away.

Why break down my armour, just to leave me standing alone in the battle?

Why say you will do the same for me when I quote “Grenade” by Bruno Mars when you know you will not even take a leap of faith with me, much less do anything for me?

Why constantly make me feel horrible about putting you in a spot when I know fully well what I signed up for?

Why muddle things up even more?

Why shed tears when I cried buckets?

Why feel so concerned when you don’t care?

I honestly honestly honestly hate how much I like you.

Who else, can claim to have made me cry so much?

Who else, have I shelled out so much for?

Who else, have I ever given everything I could?

This I do willingly, and I am not asking for compensation.

Nor am I saying it to make you feel guilty, but sometimes, it would be nice not to be overlooked. It would be nice if you stopped trapping me in this position.

So tell me, am I putting you in a spot?

Because you are putting me in one.

Make me whole, just to break me down, tearing everything apart.

This is what you do best.

A lesson to be repeated until I learn, yet I keep putting myself up to be torn apart, just so I can have another minute with you.

I know that I would give up everything in a blink of an eye, just to have 5 minutes of your undivided attention, but I will work towards forgetting you.

Feeling the tears even as I type this, even as I think about it, even as I close my eyes.

Images of you smiling at me, images of you looking at me, images of you smiling at another girl, images of you grinding another girl, images of you looking angry, images of you looking frustrated, images of you, flashing through my head like a broken tape recorder.

How stupid I must be, to give up everything for someone, who has never even loved me.

Love is not just blind, it is blinding, scarring and kills the brain.

So even as I end this post with a completely broken heart, biting my tongue and swallowing the tears that have yet to stain my face, I know that I still love you.

Hopefully time will change this, but until then, I hope I do not see you.

when tears fall

2011-01-14T16:49:00.002Z

Sometimes it does not happen immediately,

Sometimes it takes time to simmer,

Sometimes it takes time to brew.

Why does one leave it, and wonder what to do when the stew over-boils.

If you knew it was trouble from the start, why venture deeper and deeper in?

Why leave the security of the shores and wade into the big blue ocean?

Why leave the rocks to test your luck in the seas?

Why?

Because sometimes it is the only way to truly live and enjoy life

Because it is the only way to appreciate, by experiencing.

But I touched,

and I was burnt

knowing fully well I would get scorched.

It hurts,

and as I wrap myself up in isolation,

hoping to disappear discreetly,

I see hurt etched all over my own face.

Wiping it off with a cheeky smile,

I hope it fools you and me,

that I believe the smile I wear.

Perhaps soon enough, the clouds will pass, and the flowers will bloom once again.

As I try again to blot things out, and escape into nothingness.

Will I be successful this time?

Or will you succeed once again in my failure,

break down all the walls I built,

tear all that I shield myself with,

blow my mind away with sweetness,

then leave me to wallow in emptiness.

2011-01-13T21:26:00.001Z

I am terrified, can you tell?

Not wanting to bog you down, yet eternally confused.

2011-01-09T13:59:00.002Z

I somewhat miss the times when I had so much to type, and my blog posts are rather long.

Then I remember that they were never actually that long, it was usually more of it looking long than it actually being really long.

How so?

I like to move on to the next line whenever I type, so I do not cluster everything together.

It lengthens the post because there is hardly any words on the far right.

Trick revealed! (as if no one knew)

Finally discovered how to use the "queue" on youtube and absolutely loving it.

I had been playing Sam Tsui on repeat for the past few days but now I am playing James Blunt and James Morrison.Yes, I have noticed the irony.

Yet, I relate to the songs, drench myself in their melody and in their passion.

Maybe this is what people do when they are bored.

Maybe this is what people do when they have nothing better to occupy their mind.

Maybe this is what people do instead of doing their Christmas assignment.

Maybe I should stop trying to push the blame around and accept that I am "people".

It just seems a chore, to blog and blog and blog.

Yet, not blogging is difficult.

Like many things in life, it is hard for me to find the balance.

Sometimes, the heart does not do what the head tells it to.

The head may say : Do not divulge

but the heart may be too trusting.

The head may say : Danger, RUN

but the heart may be too messed up.

Hear one, hear all.

Life is sometimes confusing, but when all else fails, rely on your instincts.

If even your heart and head are at war, make peace with yourself and go with the flow.

So why is it that as I type, I feel like I am trying to convince myself, and failing to do so?

There are many struggles in life that people deal with.

Some are religious issues and some are identity issues.

Along with these important issues, come other issues that are interrelated.

Like a spider web, all issues tend to show their connection to each other.

Of course, the issue of relationships, friendships and love comes into place as well.

Not in an attempt to sound suicidal, I think that some people are just not meant to experience it.

It does not escape me that I have always been a late bloomer, in everything, except for studies.

The one aspect of life that I cling on dearly to, so that I can attribute everything to it.

No social life = have to study

No friends = studies

Not going out = studies

Yet, the fear of failing even in studies, has crippled me.

As I turn around and look, I realise that fear has gotten such a strong grip on me, that everywhere I turn, I see something new to be terrified of.

I fear failing.

I fear worms and creepy crawlies.

I fear spiders.

I fear aggressive animals.

I fear crossing roads.

I fear moving vehicles.

I fear rejection.

I fear hurt.

I fear the unknown.

I fear fear itself.

That pretty much sums up to that fact that I fear everything.

So right now as I type this, and sense myself cartwheeling through space and time, I fear what I am doing.

I choose not to regret, because regrets get us no where.

Yet, I fear it was not a wise decision.

I fear what the future holds. because deep down I think it will not have you and I.

I fear..

Sometimes I think I must be insane, that I should go out with such nice boys, but end up falling for a complete nut.

Sometimes I think I must be weird, that in all my years, not one single relationship or potential one has gone well.

Sometimes I think I must secretly have claws and horns that I cannot see, those very things that repel others.

Then when I look in the mirror and see a girl gazing back in slight mortification, in slight horror, in slight hurt, in slight anger, in slight distress.. I realised that the girl feels this way because worse than horns and claws, she looks normal but yet still repel people.

What is it then?

"you are very picky" That is not the first time I have heard that, and I have no idea how I am seen to be picky. Beggars cannot be choosers, right?

Ask me to name my flaws, and the list pours out.

It may take me hours to write them all out, but if one asked me to name my strengths, it would take me hours too.

It would take me hours to think of one or two.

Where does this insecurity stem from?

As far as I remember, I had a happy childhood, full of fights, cries and laughter.

So what happened that I turned into this selfish fat brat who always looked over her shoulder in fear of an attack and never comfortable in her own skin?

Maybe the world is cruel, but maybe I just need a makeover.

A brain makeover.

Good luck, to me.

2011-01-05T18:20:00.003Z

Less than 11 months and I will be 21.

The thought terrifies me.

Yet, many of my friends are dreading the ageing, turning from being a teenager, to being stuck in between being an adult and being a teen.

Which, may I remind all, is exactly where I am right now.

One consolation to all, it is a place everyone has been and will have to be in at one point or another.

Instead of harping on and on, we could do well to just think about how many people did not get this opportunity.

Times has not been kind recently, but then again, time is objective and people are not.

I cannot say anyone caused this feeling, but myself.

A same song can cause different reactions in different people, just like how an essay or a piece of art can attract or disgust people.

Similarly, I am affected.

I wish I was not and I do not want to be, but I am.

So I can only do what I do best to protect myself.

I try to ignore, I try to block it out and when all else fails, I run.

(when even that fails, I may have to resort to sticking my head under the sand)

yes, life calls for desperate measures sometimes.

Taking a break on facebook, going on only to double check I have not been tagged in photos that must not be seen.

Yes, I am cheating the hiatus, but it stops me from commenting, stops me from replying, stops me from giving a care.

Perhaps, enough to stop me from feeling.

Sometimes there isn't anything better than sheer isolation

so if you are reading this, and if you are a friend, please do not get upset.

I just need a break.

2011-01-01T16:21:00.003Z

post 868, and I need to get a grip on blogging.

Overwhelmed by the amount of new posts I have not read on my friends' blogs, and of course racked by guilt?

Yet, this is how it will always be..

The fixation and checking everyday will yiled nothing. Yet, when one takes a short break, there is too many new updates to keep track of.

What is one supposed to do?

A balance of it all?

After almost two weeks at Amy's, with the last few totally pigging out..

I have definitely put on weight.

From my good weight of 59 to 61 just before I came over (thanks gym idiot)..

I am not 63.9 after dinner with shoes on.

I, am, not, happy.

Still, here are 2 pictures of the dessert for Christmas dinner =D

I must admit that I was too busy digging into the appetiser of prawns, prawn rolls, toast, scampi with champagne,

followed by indulgent turkey with piping hot gravy and bread sauce, along side sausages and cranberry sauce, vegetables and lovely turkey stuffing, with red wine,

then dessert of gorgeous christmas pudding

and here is an alternative dessert to those who were not into fruitcake =)

Treacle pudding I believe

After dessert (yes, more to come)

we actually had cheese, including stilton (blue cheese), cranberry cheese, apricot cheese, cheddar, bree and stilton spread on crackers.

Following that lovely spread of food, we had chocolates while watching tv and chatting.

This was how I spent Christmas, pigging out and opening lovely presents.

I felt loved, and Christmas is a good reminder of times to be thankful, times to rejoice, and good times.

Now begins a new year, and as we welcome 2011 into our lives, I for one, do not intend to shut out the years that have gone by.

It has taken many years, many months and many tears and grief, but I know that every step that I took, moulded me into who I am today.

I may not be perfect, but I appreciate who I am, how I am and what I am.

So to those of you who find it difficult to accept yourself, look into the mirror and smile, you are not alone, but do not stop trying because deep down you know that you are beautiful just the way you are.

To those who constantly pick at others and put them down, it may make you feel better temporarily but your insecurity and need to put others down to make yourself better will eat away at you.

Many years have passed, 20 since the first day I step foot into this world.

In the hopes that it is all in God's plans, I will have many more to pass, but as each new year passes, we can take time to reflect on the past year and to give thanks for each event that has made us happy or made us a better person.

As they all say,

HAPPY NEW YEAR

To-do list:

~~GPL online test~~

Criminal law revision

GPL Christmas assignment

~~ALSCO video~~

time to get a move on with my work =)

toodles.

2010-12-27T23:47:00.003Z

Sadly I have not gotten to my video testimonial but I have finished the online GPL test and gotten a first for it =)

Today, since it is now 12am as I continue this post,

is going to be my last night in Ixworth.

While I may not have pictures to show you all this place, I definitely have memories that I can now keep in my mind =)

I had a good Christmas in London with uncle CG and family in 2007.

Christmas 2010?

Almost too good to be true, but slamming back to reality, I am leaving tomorrow.

Leaving this lovely place.

I guess all good things must come to an end.

I shall try to get to blogging about Christmas =)

Having said that, it is difficult to blog with cramps aching left, right and centre.

So I shall finish off and go to sleep.

Got blown off a skype date.

DAMN.

2010-12-25T20:20:00.001Z

Having such a blast at Christmas! =D

ALSCO

2010-12-22T18:13:00.004Z

I have a video testimonial to do and I need to prepare/rehearse for it, so that I show real effort doing it.

What better way to do it, than to blog out my speech? =)

Perhaps I will do the video and upload it here later as well =)

First off, after introducing myself, I would like to show this picture, the presidents of ALSCO Jan 2009, Elaine, Ainaa and I.

and here is us being silly, living up to the name of the powerpuff girls

To those of you who think that you do not want to sabotage your studies because of overexertion in ALSCO, let me just reassure you that while studies should always be your first priority, many ALSCO members are in universities overseas, pursuing degrees.

Here is a group of us who met up at the Malaysian Nottingham games.

I do know of more than one of two ALSCO members who have been very active while in Sunway, maximising their time, joining ALSCO, musical, Sunway Student Council and other clubs while getting their straight As and even A*s.

So what are you waiting for?

Join ALSCO and be part of something you o not want to miss out.

2010-12-21T00:41:00.002Z

and my sleeping habits are becoming atrociously horrendous.

It is almost 1 in the morning, I am tired, but yet I feel like I have not paid the cyber world a proper visit.

Tomorrow we venture into town because today we have decided to procrastinate (not entirely unexpected)

The weather is cold, dropping down to -7 and -11 degrees when luck is not on my side.

So much for packing light!

My bags are full of jumpers and sweaters and when I want to wear a skirt I have to wear 2 layers of stockings to ensure I do not freeze over.

Of course the essential gloves, hats and coats must never be forgotten.

The time at Ixworth has been lovely so far, and I have about another 9 days here before I take off to another part of England.

I wonder if it will seem rude to stay for so long.

The family is really lovely and making me feel like a part of it without being imposing.

I do appreciate all the effort and I would be lying if I said I did not wish I could help contribute!

Tomorrow I shall buy Christmas presents for the family as well as cards (how could I have forgotten to bring them along with me?)

Just transferred some money over to the correct account, and I will have to pray to survive with the amount I have left.

Jeesh, I am a poor bloke.

Cannot wait for Christmas to be here, and I hope I do not get any unwanted presents! (like I told Amy)

and I hope that there will be no problems or any funky happenings with train travel =(

So much to do and so little time.

There are mundane dailies, horrible holiday work and assignments, online tests and random things such as nail clipping and hair cut.

This holiday has been rather different and the built up anticipation of Christmas is slowly eating me inside out.

I cannot wait for Christmas!!!!

and to my dear readers, be forewarned that

Christmas is a fun, expensive festive season!

but still, have a blast!

2010-12-15T13:36:00.002Z

For once since a long time, I shall blog without first reading everyone's blogs.

I want this post to be about me, and not to be influenced by other people's ideas. =)

Although I truly appreciate them and feel inspired more often than not.

Today, I shall blog about the past few days and the joys of being privileged.

No matter how badly I feel, I always have friends to pick me up.

I know I am too easily influenced by what others say,

I care too much about what other people say and think.

In short, I am too insecure.

Yet, my friends never fail to amaze me.

Even if one disappoints me, the rest back me up.

Even if one upsets me, I usually get over it, because sometimes it is not you, it is me.

Hard as it is for me to admit that, I know I must.

15 December

This is the first Wednesday union I have gone to so far.

More than that, I had French writing test that went decently (fingers crossed),

followed by a really good Thai and Japanese meal with Grace, Stanley and Ian at Thai 9.

Katie sweetie got me a free ticket into union, which I am so thankful for because it was sold out.

It was a pretty wild night, and even when I look back today,

I will admit that I had a hell of a ball, loved every minute of it,

loved that Katie protected me from energiser bunny,

loved that Alex was so stoned,

flattered that girl B thought I was a threat to her best mate girl A getting Alex and shoved me around (although I was so pissed then, I shall turn it into positivity)

flattered that you made me feel special.

When we all sobered up, life was no longer a bed of roses,

it just felt withered.

16 December

Katie, Amy, Stefan, George and I went to Wagamamas for dinner before Katie headed home and the 4 of us hit sakura.

For the first time, Sakura was a non event.

In fact, I had an embarrassing start to it, and the discomfort of being there without my usual comfort people, made me a little sad.

To top things off, I ended exactly how I started in Reading bars&clubs. I fell asleep.

The rest is history.

The 3 darlings left early for me and we had a good time in W1.1.

Amy went a little crazy but that is exactly how I love her.

17 December

Immensely stressed about packing but after all the hustle and bustle, I am home. =)

Yes, Amy's home, but it was a good dinner.

Fish & chips, pineapple fritter and good company =)

I also tried pot for the first time. I cannot say that I like it, although the first sip was quite good, but it got progressively worse?

The night ended with tea and television, with Amy.

The truth?

I miss home, like a bitch.

I am so happy and grateful to be here, where I feel like I am home, and not miss home as much because I do feel like I am at home.

I love Amy Smith to bits. The only thing stopping me from loving her more is the fear that if I love her too much, I will upset her.

Despite how I behave or Stefan/Chris' terrible speculations, I am not gay.

Some things I may try and some things I may experiment with, but I know for a fact that I am not gay. Some say knowledge is power and perhaps that is why I feel like I can love my girl friends unconditionally, knowing they will never shatter my heart a boy can.

I am looking forward to Christmas, because it is going to be awesome =)

and I feel like I am still celebrating my birthday.

It started on the 2nd, and while it was still ongoing throughout the weekend, I got a bouquet of lovely flowers on Monday the 6th. Since then, I got a beautiful charm bracelet on the 13th from Malaysia. The celebration is not officially over because the flowers still remind me daily of the love.

My friends are the highlights of my life.

Is it my fault I wonder?

It is not the first time, and I am terrified.

I really do not want to be that, but I fear I am.

Is it you or is the dreadful truth out of the bag, that it is me.

2010-12-13T11:36:00.000Z

I'm tired of being disappointed,

by guys, by girls..

by people in general.

I have high expectations because I am idealistic.

I plan my day well ahead, and so I sometimes expect people to do the same.

For that, I apologise that I looked so highly upon you.

Today, I let down my disappointments and expectations, because we are all merely human.

Reading Stephay's blog made me realise how much I love reading blogs. =)

It makes me feel like I am still in touch, sort of. =)

So why is my own blog dying?

I am not impressed

2010-12-12T23:26:00.002Z

anything to avoid doing work.

That is me, indeed.

A whole weekend, wasted.

Work done in 3 days = work supposed to be done within 1 day!

Note to self : motivation needed.

I am not impressed, by how words are just thrown around.

I am not impressed because I set my expectations up high.

I am not impressed because I gave you reminders several times.

I am not impressed because I am the one always trying.

I am not impressed because you are not a boy and hence cannot argue that we are not on the same wavelength of understanding.

I am not impressed because you contact me when you want to talk to me.

I am not impressed because whenever I need you, you are not there.

I am not impressed because I keep convincing myself it is not true and then you let it happen again.

I am not impressed because I have lowered my pride so many times and you take it for granted.

I am not impressed because it takes me time to rebuilt the walls which you conveniently take down whenever you feel like it.

I am not impressed because I am a softie inside and you exploit that.

I am not impressed because I am genuinely hurt.

Only those closest to you can hurt you such.

It is a saying as true as any.

So maybe I look like I am made of steel, maybe I look tough as nails,

but baby I am a girl just like you.

All soft and sweet, easy to bruise and very easy to hurt.

Have you forgotten the days that you needed a friend and I was right there?

Have you forgotten the days when I needed a friend and you helped me out?

Since when did I have to fend for myself but still look out for you?

hurt.

2010-12-07T22:23:00.004Z

post number 860 and I would like to dedicate this to you

It always seems easier to go on once it has been started, but the starting is always difficult.

Why? because there is just too much and where shall one begin?

To be honest, I do not remember when we first met,

I remember Council and all the funny/horrifying things,

but I remember how we all came together and became like family.

I remember when we were all young and vulnerable and scared of the responsibility.

I remember when we were all eager to learn and eager to serve.

I remember when we had major fights and when friendships blossomed.

Among all the SC mates, you were one of the most mature,

you were one of the most rational.

When you spoke, we listened.

Like a bridge between the mentor and the rest of us younglings, you were a great friend.

*hug*

Maybe I have a big head, but I always felt a different bond with you.

Perhaps we share the same star sign, so we understand each other's need for space, understand that distance does not mean lack of love or care.

You never made me felt immature or too young, or act superior over me.

Never condescending, you made me feel like your younger sister in many ways, but a friend in others =)

I am trying not be all cheesy and corny, and much as I want this to be a perfect dedication, I believe perfection is what we make of it.

Here is to your having a blessed 22nd birthday, a blessed academic year ahead, and many happy years to come.

I love you Grace Neoh Su Jin.

because I am now 20

2010-12-06T13:22:00.005Z

I am now officially ..... TWENTY!
21, here I come! =D

I literally have no photos from Sakura but I came home to an awesomely decorated door, fell asleep outside my door (reading stuff?)

Stefan dragged me back in and had a blast of a weekend.

Sakura - London - chinese food - 3sixty - Sunday - gorgeous belated birthday bouquet

RAWR

I LOVE birthdays!

but I love my friends so much more.

The absolute darlings.

Each of you have added a bit of a sparkle, a bit of a colour, a bit of a beat to make my life that much more interesting, colourful and musical.

Cheesy? I do not care if it is.

I really love you.

each in a different way, but love all the same.

but here is just a random thing I decided to do (even without being tagged) that I got off Mei's blog

1) I am surprised that I am actually looking forward to turning 21 now =) and that I secretly like being 20

2) I am really excited about Christmas, about New Year and about things in general.

3) I stick to my budget really well and then splurge on weekends.

4) I had a really good birthday xD

5) I always go to meals looking like an absolute mess (wet hair/bath robe/boxers)

6) I love wearing long sleeves (changed my mind since I was in UK)

7) I love scarves! and need them! but like any girl, I love chocolates, but more so, I love flowers!

8) I lost a pair of my gloves and my sony earphones but still had too good a time to complain..

9) I believe in karma

10) I love receiving parcels because of the surprise element and the privacy in opening them

11)Fashion is not defining, it is just fun and online shopping takes fun to a new level

12) if God gave me a chance to meet 3 people before I leave for good, I would not know which ones to pick

13) No matter how crap a day may have been, I know deep down that it will all be good. I like to whine, not to get your attention but just to let out frustrations.

14) I love rock music

15) I am not adventurous with food

16) I love tea too much

17) I enjoy dancing more than anything

18) I have too much make up and I use less than half the things I own

19) I am obsessed with bags because I am too fussy with shoes

20) I like that I look nice in pink but refuse to wear it because I hate it when people associate me with bimboness

21) I wish my parents will stop calling me fat or related nicknames because it hurts

22) If given a choice to be born prettier/smarter/SLIMMER, I'd pick to be me, slightly average, slightly dumb, slightly fat, because it's cool this way too.

23) I want to do modelling, because it is a different experience and I can earn!

24) I have too many lip balms, body lotion and moisturisers. I will most probably hyperventilate if I run out of any of these.

25) I am an introvert with many extraverted characteristics. Therefore, I actually do not reveal a lot of things about myself that I probably should.

26) I have frequent asthma attacks and have been very sickly in the UK

27) My nose is blocked with sinus most of the time so I can hardly smell regardless if I have a cold/flu or am perfectly fine.

28) Wearing heels make me feel like an empowered sexy woman, to hide the insecurity behind the false bravado.

29) I want to be loved just the way I am

30) if I was given a chance to go back in time and change whatever I want to, I would not change a single thing

2010-11-30T19:40:00.002Z

858.

That is quite a lovely number.

I will not lie,

because I do miss my family.

because I do miss the comfort of having you around.

because I do miss the Sunway people.

because I do miss the food Ainaa fed me with.

because I do miss the assurance Nicole gives me.

because I do miss the fights with Sam.

because I do miss the shy smiles from WH.

because I do miss seeing Nutty around.

because I do miss hearing NyonNyon being all cynical.

because I do miss RA's insane laughter.

because I do miss being around my people.

because I do miss being slim.

because I do miss having self-esteem and confidence.

*shoots self in the head*

I know what I am doing is not right,

but who is to say that it is wrong?

I know that I am trying to escape,

but at what kind of expense?

I know that this is not the way to deal with it,

but who is to say how one should?

If you do not treasure this,

neither should I.

Teach me to let go,

because I need to teach others to let go.

because I need to let go.

because there are others out there who will love and accept me the way I am.

because if you will not have me, I will not have you either.

So please set me free, and let me fly.

Let me find my own place in time.

But

Will you remember?

Will you remember those days?

Will you remember my one day?

Will you survive if you were in my shoes?

The snow did come, covering everything,

smothering all that came in its way.

The snow did come, drowning out all else,

enveloping all.

I miss Storm.

2010-11-29T12:41:00.002Z

Weekend at Bath Spa was nothing like what I expected.

So many mishaps, yet such a lovely weekend.

Ainaa dear I am sorry for the stains,

sorry that I plopped all over your bed,

sorry I stole your blankie,

sorry I hogged the bed,

sorry I had such a WICKED time.

I love you.

When I came back to Reading,

my fingers and toes no longer suffered from frostbite.

However, the pain remains.

At a loss for words, I decide to turn my attention to other things, to focus on other issues.

I ask not to do anything but to stay here

A ruptured tendon or a twisted ankle?

The verdict is not out, but a mistake in January haunts me even now.

2010-11-25T11:08:00.001Z

Some days, you just wake up feeling like the world, is not a very nice place.

Wednesdays are harsh.

An individualist, I truly do not live up to being Asian.

I want the job done, I want it perfect.

Then again, the competitiveness in me is proof that I am Asian,

and proud to be one =)

It has taken a lot of bingeing,

cheese sticks AND chocolate mints to calm me down.

Then I decided to call my mummy,

but the call cut off halfway (or should I say 5 minutes into the conversation)

I would consider this a FML moment, but since the anger has subsided,

it just was not meant to be.

Time to toughen up, chick.

Time to rough it out.

Time to man up.

Time to be, me.

and this will help,

when I am freezing over.

Snow,

will it be white and beautiful?

will it be stomped under our feet and disappear?

will it be kicked around and form slush?

will it be a sign of new hope?

will it be a dreaded event?

The temperature is now an average of under 5 and at night, it drops below 0.

I guess it is time to welcome winter.

As the cold wind blows, I wonder if you remember me.

I wonder,

will it snow tomorrow...

I miss you

2010-11-21T14:19:00.002Z

It feels like just last week that we were best friends,

and suddenly waiting for you, is like waiting for rain in the sahara desert.

What changed?

Was it you or was it me?

Sometimes it is so hard to say "I love you" or that "I care"

Sometimes we hold it inside us, for fear of hurt or rejection

Sometimes we think it is best for the other person not to say it

Sometimes we overthink things.

Sometimes I wish you would just love me and not think about anything else.

Will you?

if you love something, let it go.

2010-11-19T15:41:00.003Z

~~French homework~~

~~Volunteer work~~

Peer support training tomorrow.

I shall have to be up nice and early.

Tort assignment and Legal skills and General Principles of Law tutorials are still waiting.

All due in the week.

Yet, as I suddenly had the chance, I talked about you again.

I have mentioned you, time and again.

I think anyone would notice that I cannot let it go.

I may bring up the rest like a joke, like something funny,

but nothing makes me reminisce more.

Yet, it seems like things have changed so much, that you and I are almost like strangers.

It seems just yesterday when we were so close, and today, the world crumbling.

It seems so perfect, so fun, but gone were the times.

Who let it go? Was it you, was it me? Or was it just time?

Time, fading the colours once so vibrant.

Time, fading the emotions once so strong.

Time, fading the image of you in my mind.

but still the heart remembers.

So, in case I never have a chance,

in case courage fails me,

in case the opportunity is not created,

let me tell you now, once again,

if I have ever loved, or learnt to love, it was you and always has been.

It does not matter what they say,

it does not matter what they think,

at the end of the day,

it is just you and I.

I would but now, have you changed your mind?

Or will you turn away, breaking this heart all over again.

I miss you, to the point of annoyance.

I miss you, not knowing what to do.

I miss you, and it breaks me down.

I miss you, and the tears never stop.

2010-11-17T11:37:00.002Z

I have French homework which I do not know how to do.

I have volunteer work which I am clueless about.

I have tutorial work which I feel lost about.

I have assignment which is due real soon and I am still reading the question.

MEOW.

Blog hiatus

2010-11-14T12:34:00.002Z

It feels really difficult to blog after a long break.

the same could be said about studies I suppose.

Even a short break of a few hours can put me off finishing my tutorials and assignments.

Yet when I have to choose between blogging and studying, I sometimes rather study =O

Today, I thought I should blog, after taking almost a week off blogging.

Nothing too exciting has happened, since freshers week is over, the partying has slowed down, to the point of my not going out for 2 weeks already.

On Thursday night I decided to have a cider and felt the effects immediately, just on one cider.

Clubbing nights are going to be cheap.

I reckon £4 tickets and about £3 taxi fare, I will still only need about £10-12 to be really really having a good time.

Some work settled and done but more to be completed, I feel the stress of taking law.

It feels weird, not to be as loud, not to be as dominating, not to be as confident?

But in solitude I discover myself, realise the power of silence, and the importance of listening.

It may not be the most fun thing I want to do right now, but I take it as a journey of self-discovery, of growing up.

It is not always fun, but it certainly is enlightening and a part and parcel of growing up =)

I think that I have been having a bit too much fun, been a bit too crude, and now I have had another wake-up call.

No more monkey business.

2010-11-08T12:13:00.004Z

Proof and evidence that university life is crazy.

It has been slightly over a month in Reading, and life has been insane.

The major culture difference and the search of lost identity begins and here I present, pictures.

Amy & Stefan, the two craziest people around.

Of course, no university life is complete without some night outings.

Here is Lucy (and George's one eye) for our superhero theme night =)

Before we headed out to Vodka Revolutions and were outside Park Eat, here we have Stefan =D

and here I present Denny, Katie and George @ smoking-area, Vodka Revs

Katie and I after a night out to the union - 3sixty

So here, I present Adam, Heather, Mike, Stefan and Claire on 26th October @sakura

Here is Claire, Lucy and George on 28th October @ Windsor Beer-hole before we head out to Sakura for Halloweeeeeeeeen

1st November

Amy & Stefan, before we were all SO PISSED

Qbar was the place for the night
We did have our fair share of fun
Thanks to Marcel for all the pictures =) Here is the man of the hour

Staying sober and alcohol free for the rest of the week, I went to Notts games (as mentioned in previous post)

Here is Gracia darling, and hopefully Elaine will upload the group pictures soon =)

but no matter how crazy things get, I just need to remind myself, to be myself

because it is all up to me =)

and I am blessed indeed, to have all of you with me =)

2010-11-07T13:54:00.003Z

I think that whenever I do not blog for a while, I feel lazy to update the long list of things/events that have happened!

Especially if I have to do it chronologically.

Things have been better and better.

While I may not say I had a superb day, I will definitely say that I had good days =)

The trip to Nottingham was funny, for lack of a better word.

It started with me being too early, because I did not get an updated email.

So I was at the bus stop by 3am, thinking I was lost.

So when we finally left, I was glad to be sitting snugly in the bus.

When we had a short toilet break, I must admit I was DELIGHTED.

Finally, of course, we reached Notts. =)

Sin Hui and Hwei Hwei came up to me almost immediately.

Soon enough, Sam, Elaine, Brenda, Nicole, Clifford, Jia Xin, Kin Wai all came along.

We had a good catch up and then there was FOOD! I had Nasi Lemak and was immensely satisfied.

Of course, not being rude, we visited Lucas, at the end of the world. =P

Then a trip to town =)

Got my micro-sim, so I really should feel great about Notts =D

All in all, although I had drama getting back to the bus again,

I had a great time catching up =)

I even met a few TI people, like Jing Theng, Hui Ling, Yin Tong and Eugene!

Talk about random =)

Of course, I got to meet Ms Gracia Goh, the princess of the hour =)

I have not felt so much in need of Malaysian-ness until now.

Favourite picture of the day

Slept for about 12 hours, catching up on whatever that needed replenishing,

and then continued with the awesome day by bingeing.

I think I had breakfast and lunch in a total of 2 hours?

After that I could not move. LOL

The day continued with skyping Gret and meeting Amy's super nice parents =D

I am so glad she is back =D

So the studying should continue so that I can file it all away =)

Until later =)

2010-11-03T14:44:00.003Z

I would have complained,

I would have wanted to unload,

I would have whined.

Instead I took a break, took a breather, took a step back and enjoyed the solitude.

A big thank you to Stephay for the concern, for the note

and another big thank you to Mr Leonard Chin, for the advise and concern =)

Yes, solitude is golden sometimes =)

The drinking has to stop, and I have taken a stand of not having more than twice a week, but this week, I will only have it once. so no more for the rest of the week. =)

Because I have been on both sides of the drinking world, the happy and the depressed.

One does not want to revisit the ghost of things passed.

Plus, I am meeting the Malaysians at Nottingham this Saturday =D

I need to look presentable =D

Honestly? I cannot wait =D

To all who are reading this,

thanks for being my friend =)

home.... family-sick

2010-10-31T20:18:00.004Z

I came back from London, with the intention of having o2 network and an iphone 4, while blogging out my awesome trip.

However, reality struck and I have not gotten my o2 sim card (through my own fault) and the iPhone was not in stock.

The trip was good, the visit great,

but coming back to Reading, left me a little sore.

I would be lying if I said I did not miss home.

But even as I type that, I realise, where is home?

Is it the house I grew up in, where I never fit in school?

Or is it where I felt so at ease, but in a hostel far away from my parents?

Or is it the new house, where I had my ups and downs, but still far from my family?

I would say, none of the above.

I miss the times, where we were altogether.

Be it Shanghai, Teluk Intan, Kuala Lumpur, Kuching, Los Angeles, Texas...

It is not about the location, or the place.

It is about that familial feeling.

I want to be bear-bear, so that Aaron will always hug me

I guess this is what you get, when you visit a loving family, and wish that you were really part of it.

2010-10-29T16:01:00.001+01:00

Off to London really soon,

I shall update when I am back =)

There is much to be done =)

and I owe my blog people a proper outline of my life right now.

2010-10-27T10:29:00.002+01:00

The truth is I wanted a break.

From what?

It is not like I have been dying from work, but still, I just wanted a time-out before I continued.

Never known for being hardworking, this is going to cripple me.

Yet, I do know that I always try to see it as, outsmarting the system. *sigh*

As a promise to myself, I shall finish my tutorial today and check for next week's.

As well as reading up on Criminal and Contract.

This shall have to be sufficient for my skipping today.

I will need to go to town tomorrow to get my Halloween costume, preferably scary (as themed)..

but I am just thinking of getting a corset and a tiny skirt/shorts with tights.

Or should I go in a lacy dress?

Now where should do I get a whip?

because I am damaged goods,

because even though I tell myself to try and I do try,

because I will never be good enough...

No more

2010-10-26T13:40:00.006+01:00

Badly want to shop.

Online shopping is so addictive and fun.

It gives you the benefit of browsing at your own leisure, taking your time checking prices and googling reviews, at the comfort of your seat (and no rushing friends!)

Of course, there is also that added satisfaction when

it is delivered to your doorstep (I love receiving posts!)

and one just gets really excited! =D

Still, there is a different exhilaration in paying for the product and owning it on the spot =)

So, Christmas wishlist

Printer 3-in-1

D&G no 1 La Bateleu

Chanel Chance concentrated parfum (or any other forms)

Chanel Chance Eau Tendre

I think that I should not blog when I am upset, because it further inflames feelings and escalates it to something quite frightening.

Should I go out tonight?

I start late tomorrow but I have a full day.

Or should I go out on Thursday night?

I have a really full Friday schedule as well.

Just to make a note (in case I forget?) or in case you want to buy me a drink =D

Here are some drinks that I really like.

Jagerbombs

My favourite drink so far

Ciders- Jacques

Ciders - Kopparberg

Guinness Stout

What we want and what we should do, sometimes clashes into a big, ugly mess.

Shopaholic?

Alcoholic?

Chocoholic?

D&G for my man

2010-10-24T22:32:00.004+01:00

Certain emotions can be evoked from different experiences, be it sense of touch, hearing, taste or smell.

When I taste chocolate, I see a glimmer of heaven.

When someone is nice to me, it makes my entire day.

When I smell Dolce & Gabbana's

Le Bateleu 100ml eau de toilette

or in other words, D&G No 1, I fall madly in love.

If there is another fragrance that smells sexy, it is Tommy 10 by Tommy Hilfiger.

This D&G however, brings it to a whole new level.

Hope in humanity

2010-10-24T12:04:00.004+01:00

I have hope, because courtesy is not dead. =D

Chivalry is alive and well =D

Based on what do I have this revelation? =)

Here is my recount of an excerpt from last night, with

the other details following later.

Bel : "It is so cold! My hands are freezing... See!" *thrusts hands out to be warmed*

Guy : *warms my hands* "Do you want my jacket?"

Bel : @.@ "hmm?"

Guy : "Do you want the jacket?"

Bel : >.< "Yes please?"

Guy : *takes it off and holds it out for me to wear, one sleeve at a time*

I felt special.

Something that is almost remote to me.

2010-10-22T10:29:00.002+01:00

I keep hearing this, and I do repeat it as well.

Do not have high hopes or expectations.

It will only bring you down.

Mind over matter. Why?

Because I do not care and you do not matter.

but here in it, lies a concept very important to all of us.

The concept of happiness.

To be wholly consumed by what other people think, to be self conscious and insecure,

to be caught up in the wants of today, and forget about the needs of tomorrow.

To be self satisfying, and to satiate the undying list of wants,

just for the happiness of today.

But what about tomorrow?

Do we engage in the same sinful behaviour of indulging ourselves, just to be happy?

Somewhere in the pursuit of happiness, we lose our view on the more important things and just dwell on the little bursts of happiness we can get instantly.

Too many bursts and one gets burns.

Yet, we focus intently on instant gratification.

If today, I buy make-up to make myself feel beautiful, I can hide away the imperfections.

I will feel gorgeous and glamorous.

But if today, I tell myself, I love myself just the way I am, and just let self-confidence shine through,

I know I will feel beautiful, just because I am.

So a little mental push, a little emotional drain, a little self perseverance, to add to the journey of self preservation, and possible survival.

because life is a treacherous journey,

and the only thing keeping me going is me.

because the only way to pull through is with my chin held high.

because I know if I do not do it for me, no one will.

because I want to come out of this, acoomplished.

because I can.

2010-10-21T21:49:00.002+01:00

I don't know how to respond to love/affection, except by being sarcastic.

So if I am sarcastic to your lovey replies, I probably care too much.

If I am sarcastic to your cynical comments, I love you.

If I really do not give a shit about you, I will not even look at you when you are trying to talk to you.

Bitch, HELLYEAH.

I was to abstain but I gave in to temptation.

I was not to drink but I had 2 mouthful.

I was to control myself but I wanted to bite you.

You are added to the list of nutjobs who ruined me.

FML because I LOVE IT

2010-10-20T12:21:00.004+01:00

Honestly feel like shooting and killing myself when I had to wake up for class this morning.

Life has been unexpectedly tough?

That is not even the right phrase.

It is week 2 of proper tertiary education.

Perhaps I should give it more time, but I feel really left out in lectures.

Initially tutorials were daunting, but now?

Lectures are a pain.

One is not allowed to talk and must pay attention. Yet one is supposed to make friends?

I feel left out because there are many common topics, that I do not have a clue about.

These include music and tv shows/movies.

Sometimes when I make a comment, I get a one word answer, with a vacantly disappearing smile.

Am I in your way? Do you not want me to sit here? Am I such a pain?

The boys, do not talk to me.

The girls have already formed little cliques.

To say that I feel out is probably an understatement.

I do not want to try so hard, because I feel ill as it is, and coughing in another person's face is not exactly very nice.

Yet, the awkwardness has gone from being a single wall, to a building that separates us all.

Again I ask, did I do something wrong?

I hope the fair later will be less of a disaster, because there is only so many social ungraciousness I can handle in one day.

Sometimes I wish I was not different. I do not want to be weird. I just want to blend in.

Other times, I may appreciate my uniqueness, but those moments are rare.

But of course, it is a disaster.

When I asked yesterday, no one was going for the fair.

Today, everyone turned up. Maybe they changed their minds after the lectures, but not even a hello?

Just walk past.. as if I am invisible.

Do you see horns on my head?

Or is it because....

Just because I have an accent? Just because I am oriental?

2010-10-19T14:31:00.003+01:00

I keep getting the Lesbian comment thing going around.

I guess it does not help that I kissed a girl. @.@

Not a very wise move there.

Brilliant of me.

Maybe I should stop denying it and let people think what they want/like.

I would probably wish I could date a girl, because being a girl, I will make less mistakes, because I will be less dense.

Because I know I can never.

Up at 215am.

What a weird hour, considering I did not go out.

Vodka, that is strong stuff.

and I am not allergic to beer/cider.

I'm EXTREMELY allergic to those and allergic to alcohol in general.

Lightweight? It is not just that. TRUST ME.

FML.

2010-10-18T20:51:00.000+01:00

A cider last night again.

And half a cider tonight.

I swear, I feel myself expanding.

@.@

I had a really good talk with Mr Andrew though.

That really cheered me up.

Managed to sort of catch up with Nickolai as well. =)

Things are not always down, bad or gloomy, but I wish I had you by my side.

2010-10-16T17:21:00.002+01:00

So I was right, that gut feeling that I should not do what I have done.

Alcohol dulls the senses, makes you less able to make decisions, makes that voice in your head mute/put on loud speaker.

Regrets? Definitely.

Bitchy? OMG hell yes.

Want to take it back? Sort of?

I think I made an impression, probably you will never pick on me again.

Perhaps you were sincere, that it was not meant to be an insult, then do not take mine personally.

But what has been done, has been done.

Damaged goods.

It is not just him, not just you, it is me as well.

because I was damaged, at the age of 14 and I never got over it.

I never got over being called demanding.

I never got over being used.

I never got over being cyber harassed.

I am sorry.

Lightening up just a little,

This is so sexy

I'm actually just a fan, not a big fan, but I thought this was awesome

and I have loved this song since I was very young

A tribute to Nicole Kidman simply for being awesome

2010-10-15T23:09:00.001+01:00

I am so paranoid about money. I swear that I am. @.@

I am so scared I will finish up all my allowance and end up living in the ditches.

SAVE ME.

Last night I was tipsy to the point of being drunk, and although I did not get sick, I was so high.

The best bit? I remember everything. =)

Private blog updated.

2010-10-14T14:21:00.003+01:00

Still trying to catch up with work,

I have chapters of everything to read. @.@

That is 3 chapters of English Legal System (ELS here after), 1 chapter of Criminal and 1 chapter of Tort.

Plus the additional books I have just gotten, 3 of them, for 5 pounds. Not bad, huh? =)

Also, to add on to the list,

I have finally attended the PC class and learnt how to use LexisNexis. All I can say, is that it is a life saver. =D

I have loads to do, loads to read,

tutorials and assignments, but tomorrow is only a Tort lecture, and I want to go to town today.

No going out tomorrow so that I can finish up my things.

As for now, I need to get stationary and to get some stuff from boots.

Still thinking if I should wait for the Christmas sale before I get the printer. =X

I would definitely save, but will it be worth it if I have to spend by printing off the school library now?

Bleeeeeeeb.

This made me miss you a lot.

New life, new place, new people.

Yet, no matter how happy I am at a particular moment, thinking of you burns a little hole in me

Anyway, if any of you have time, check out this song.

It is british and GOOD stuff

2010-10-13T14:44:00.003+01:00

Quiz, assignmentS, tutorialS.

=.=

It has gone beyond feeling overwhelming.

So I thought we could all go for some football, when they bailed out on me.

Still, we finally went, but guess what,

I was the only girl who wanted to play.

With two girl friends in jeans and a sea of boys (some topless)

I felt stupid.

GREAT.

This is why I hate being a girl sometimes.

I cannot swear.

I cannot just do whatever I want without being labelled and judged.

I cannot even play football.

FUCK this.

Videos MW shared with me =)

2010-10-11T21:01:00.002+01:00

It has been one day, and I feel overwhelmed.

Scared and needing some help,

I do not want to give up.

It is the first day of the week, of studies,

and I have finished a quiz online.

85/90, I do not know what to do.

WHY is there so many deadlines and what not.

I do not understand.

@.@

My 5 HUGE textbooks came up to 160 pounds from the bookshop.

That is RM800. @.@

so I wrapped them up nicely, and pray I will use them,

even though their thickness and size scare the crap out of me. @.@

LORD HELP ME.

2010-10-10T18:46:00.002+01:00

I had to read my blog to get a sense of where I left off, and realised that too much has happened since my last post..

I cannot really remember what happened, and it is not ALL because of drinking, but after leaving early on Pink night, and staying in for Pub Crawl (which is randomly going to different pubs/bars), I went all out for Friday night..

Okay, not true, but I got really HIGH.

Thanks to..... BEER.

I had a desperado and it made me funny.

I laughed and laughed and did not have my full balance and was quite out of it.

I went all bitchy but the girls just kept laughing.

It was FUN, in such a sinful way. XD

Nothing bad happened, I did not lead anyone on, not like the other night..

One of the German guys was slightly nicer to me and that marks that crazy night.

Came back and was asked to flash people but did not have enough alcohol in me to do it. =P

Had a slice of pizza at W3.1 that was offered to me and was wearing one of the guy's shirts because I felt a little cold.

People are always so friendly when they are drunk.

and my friend Kushi Batra looks so hot I just want to bite her.

I have always wanted to say something like that, and now I have a chance to.

Anyway, parents are in the airport, and although I have not been with them for the week, but it still sucks to know that they are not in the same country anymore.

I do not want to, but the home sicky feeling is starting to set in.

and I do not understand why no blogs are updated. =X

I feel so bored and not updated. =X

I wish I could have skyped Matt..

That is someone who always knows how to cheer me up . =X

but I got to skype with quite a lot of people this week, so I should be really grateful all the same.

Thanks to

Stephay

May

Nicole

Ainaa

Sam

Chee Yung

You are all awesome friends. =)

I just wish this feeling would go away.

2010-10-07T09:45:00.002+01:00

It is a brand new day.

Bleah.

Still, I just found out that I can view who came to my blog. It is pretty cool =)

I really did not know. =D

I know I should not, but I really hate mornings, when I have to get out of my oh-so-not-lovely-but-still-comfy bed.

Whine whine whine. That is all I do when I am grouchy.

Sigh.

SNAP OUT OF IT CHRISTABEL.

I have something at 2pm and that is about it. I've had everything else handled I think. =)

and after a pretty awkward lunch, I went off to the thing, meeting new people. =)

2, only.. but still 2! and I met 2 other people at lunch, so I guess today is pretty productive.

The health screening was weird because this lady was telling me about some test which I had no idea what she was talking about, so she started explaining that it is good to do it now.. this and that...

until she said.. "sexually transmitted disease" and I actually had to stop myself from stuttering as I went "but.. I'm not erm. active".

I guess it went better than me blurting out, I have not got my cherry popped!

Which just reminds me of the vulgar exchange I had last night with someone I thought was kind of ~~cute~~. SO NOT anymore.

I was asked if I like gash. Which apparently is the vulgar version of saying vagina, which basically means.. "are you a lesbo" in the meanest most demeaning "are you a faggot way".

=.= The worst is that I think he did it because I did not understand the term, more than anything else. =.=

Today, some other girl was commenting that I better not turn lesbo..

First off, I did not like her very much as she implied I'm BLOODY stingy, and I am not. =.=

Just because I want to save and not watch something I do not particularly like, and would consider it if it was free, does not make me a scrooge.

Stupid-know-it-all. I hope I never have to put up with another meal with her.

And no, I am not lesbo. Even if I am bisexual, you would be the last person I go near. Do not worry.

All the same, the law thing cheered me up.

Making new friends and discovering new places.

I hope I'll be alright getting to my lecture tomorrow. =)

but seeing as the last time I still got lost although I went to the place in the morning (and that was nearby) this might be a total killer.

and I so understand why Asians stick to one another when they come here..

It's cliche it's crazy, but it's understandable.

Still, I am determined to try, because my flatmates have been awesome. Why would the rest not be?

2010-10-06T23:52:00.002+01:00

post 830 and it's the third post of today,

FUCK this shit.

How rude can someone get?

And I swear I have ZERO taste.

Party party party, it is killing off my brain cells.

A whole bunch, probably millions at one shot.

Not like it would make much difference, really.

Seeing as I already am quite the idiot.

Demoralised, all in one day's worth of crap.

I need out.

2010-10-06T13:29:00.003+01:00

Back from bank and a little bit of Freshers Fayre..

It is the time of the month and it is getting to me.

Back aches and I am really tired.

I wonder if I should go tonight...

Yes, another party. @.@

I feel bad as it is, and I am down to 20quid. @.@

In my defense, I had to pay for stuff, 20 - bedding pack , 40.40 - train stuff , 10 - travelling , 10 - drinks , 30 - socks/tights , 10 - food , 25 - freshers band , 40 - JCR compulsory fees

I rounded everything up, so that is about it I guess.

DARN. It is just the first week @.@

I do not know what mummy and daddy are going to say.

Sigh. and the bank lady was so annoying.

I hate to be racist, but I know I am and people are racist for a reason.

If the majority of the race did not act like that, the stigma would not exist in the first place.

Still, I had a free Dominoe's pizza =D

I got to catch up with Stephay.

I had some chocolate finally.

I had more me-time today.

I made it to town and back, even though I took the bus instead of walking =P

I settled the crappy bank crap.

I got new flats, FINALLY.

I got some grey tights.

I am really loving the happy stuff and the "think about what you have instead of what you don't" thing. =D

Cheers me up so much.

And a number of the Brits told me

"you have a beautiful name"

Thanks guys. =D

2010-10-06T07:51:00.002+01:00

Yesterday was one of those days that did not start off very well,

and it only made me miss my awesome Saturday start.

Breakfast started with a chocolate bar, then a hot chocolate drink, then chocolate bread, and ended off with a chocolate drink again.

With such a chocolatey morning, nothing was going to get in my way or stop me!

Sadly, yesterday started with a rush since I woke up late and everything was just messed up.

This wrong, that wrong...

and no breakfast.

Luckily for me, things were looking better as the day passed.

I met a few law people and although I got lost in my second attempt at going back to the building, I found it, 2 minutes late.

Afterwards there was laundry/washing to be done,

and of course, everyday, I had to learn new words! =)

The new slangs and all.

Examples?

Fiver = Five pounds

Quid = Pound

Sick = Really Good? or Really Funny joke

Fag = Cigarette

I will have to get used to all this. =)

Another party last night.

Cannot describe it in full because I do not really know either.

But for the first time, I had a bit of a mix it all up.

Started the night with Pimps, which was sweet and lemonadish because of the mix,

then I had a WKD from Claire,

followed by two vodka shots. One Yellow, One Blue =)

Immediately after that, I had almost an entire Jagerbomb.

The ultimate love fest.

I had a second one from Matt after that, did not manage to persuade George to get me one. XP

The thing about the UK is that, Girls do get drinks from guys. =)

Life is awesome in that way.

but there is a catch.

You need to flirt or might risk getting grinded against afterwards. @.@

Oh well, I am just glad not to have any hangovers now .

Off to breakfast and to the bank.

2010-10-05T10:16:00.001+01:00

DAMN the bloody online portal.

I finally got it sorted thanks to the IT guy I called up.

He was awesomely nice =)

However, when I finally got in, all I saw was that I have missed the Welcome lecture. @.@

2010-10-04T09:16:00.003+01:00

Suddenly realised why all my blog posts are in the morning, recounting what happened last night.

NO, I did not pass out from booze. XD

It is just that the parties are almost always till late nights, so I have to postpone this little journal insights. =)

Last night I stayed sober, no alcohol, just testing other people's drinks.

The girls really like their VERY SWEET stuff, which I am wary,

because I think I will have a lot of it before I realise

"O, it is alchohol toooooooooooooooo *slumps on floor*"

Thus far, nothing too embarrassing has happened.

I did fall asleep at the bar but I am blaming it all jet lag.

The boys seemed to understand and the girls were, as usual, totally sweet. =D

I love my corridor girlies. =D

I met a few other Asian girls and went to town with one. =)

We had a bit of a drama but finally we went back to town AGAIN and I went to Primark.

Got some stuff for Pink day and as for the superhero theme tonight, I think I will go as a chinese kung fu fighting chick. That is all I have for now. XP

Before I went to bed, the corridor suddenly got so rowdy and so I stepped out.

All the boys from opposite were here, and talking! =D

It was pretty cool to meet so many people.

I know there is James, Mike, Jack (puke guy) and..... 2 Charlies... 1 stephan.. I think that is all I remember.

Oh dear me.

All the names @.@

Today I went to town again, with George,

after breakfast with Kathleen.

The walk was a decent way but we got our stuffs sorted.

I only managed to make a bank appointment, which annoyed me.

So on wednesday I have to go back and get it sorted.

I hate the banks.

2010-10-03T08:01:00.002+01:00

It is 8am, and I have been up for 30 minutes,

early by my standards.

Talking to MW and he just informed me that it is 3pm over there. =)

Recounting on what happened, it does seem a little insane.

Hiding in the room for the whole day,

when I finally emerged, I was scared because the senior said something to the whole bunch of us and I had no idea what he just said.

So I more or less got lost and called Ainaa for support, speaking even in Malay.

Finally I hung up and joined the big crowd, and realise later that it is the WRONG group!

I went to Stenton Hall instead of Windsor Hall!

How brilliant.

So I left the nice people and found my group of people, but the girls I hung out with, we are all from the same corridor with a guy from upstairs.

And the girls, us, were outnumbered at a ratio of 5 to 1? or was it 7 to 1?

Never have I felt so short, so outnumbered, so intimidated.

It does not help that I do not really get the accent.

Brilliant.

No?

It all ended well after I had my 3 pound Guinness and shivered my way back.

Z just told me and I did my research.

"Alcohol makes you lose heat"

RIGHT!

@.@

Talk about being completely moronic.

It has been a little insane.